500 Days Of Summer is a romantic comedy from 2009 starring Zooey Deschanel as Summer and Joseph Gordan-Levitt as Tom, a sort-of “couple” who meet while working at a greeting card company in New York City.

Summer is only looking for a casual arrangement but that doesn’t stop Tom from imagining differently and falling in love anyway.

500 Days Of Summer is hilarious and poignant, but mostly it is a fairly realistic portrait of what happens when expectations don’t meet reality. But mostly, it shows the inevitable heartbreak that occurs when someone falls in love with an idea, ignores the warning signs, and isn’t true to their heart.

500 Days Of Summer is also still incredibly relevant in 2024. As such, here are seven lessons from 500 Days Of Summer that still hold up today.

1. Be honest about what you want. Both with the other person and yourself.

If you don’t want casual, don’t say you’re cool with going with the flow.

While playing house, making out, and flirting at IKEA, Summer tells Tom she isn’t looking for anything serious. In other words, she doesn’t want a relationship. (With him.) Tom agrees and says that’s cool with him.

Spoiler alert: It wasn’t. But Tom tries to convince himself otherwise all the same. At one point, when Tom’s best friends McKenzie and Paul ask what Tom and Summer are label-wise, Tom scoffs, insisting that labels are juvenile and this is the way of modern dating. His friends look on skeptically, and they’re right to do so. After all, Tom is a certified hopeless romantic who believes in soulmates and that he’ll never truly be happy until he finds “The One.” And this only becomes more and more apparent as the film goes on. Because Tom does want a relationship; a relationship with Summer. Not casual. Not something situationship-y. A full-fledged, committed relationship.

Spoiler alert two: It never happens.

On that note…

2. If someone says they don’t want a relationship, believe them.

While Summer does lead Tom on at times throughout the movie, the truth of the matter is that she did fully and adamantly communicate that she was not looking for a relationship. She wanted to have fun, and Tom was fun! They had a lot in common, from their love of sad British music like The Smiths to obscure movies and more. However, Tom took these mutual interests and chemistry as signs of compatibility, ignoring Summer’s clear message that she was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. In other words, he refused to believe what she was saying and ascribed alternate meanings to her words. That maybe she just needed time to let her walls down and let him in.

3. Your expectations will break your heart more than anything else.

One of the most powerful and beautifully-shot moments is the side-by-side depiction of the misalignment that often plays out between our expectations and reality.

Summer and Tom had already been broken up for some time but had run into one another at a mutual friend’s wedding. The two bonded, danced, and drank together. It (almost) seemed as though things hadn’t changed much. They definitely hadn’t for Tom, at least.

Some time in the future, Summer invites Tom to her apartment for a party. As the narrator states, “Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time, his expectations would align with reality.”

Each shot in the segment shows this was not the case at all. In fact, Tom runs out of the party once he sees Summer has an engagement ring on her finger. She fell in love with someone else.

4. Love won’t save you.

Tom grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until he found “The One,” which might be part of the reason he put so much pressure on having things work out with Summer. At one point, he even admits that his feelings for Summer make him feel like life is worth living.

The truth of the matter is love will not save you. This is not to say you need to be perfectly healed in order to find it, though. But you at least have to be trying to get yourself and life together before you share it with someone else.

5. Healing from heartbreak takes time.

Sometimes, a lot of time. And the process isn’t linear either. In fact, 500 Days Of Summer is even filmed out of order to illustrate this. The movie jumps from various points in time to show the juxtaposition of when Tom was in love with Summer, healing from Summer, and eventually moving on from Summer.

6. Illusions will always disintegrate eventually.

Throughout the non-linear film, we are shown flashbacks of Tom’s perspective of his romance with Summer. Initially, everything in his mind’s eye seems romantic and promising. However, towards the end of the movie, after Tom’s little sister encourages him to look backward at his love affair with Summer in a more realistic lens, the rose-colored glasses fall off and we see the full picture: Summer was not interested in him in the same way he was in her. And there were plenty of signs that showed this.

7. You need to love someone for who they actually are (not for who you think they are).

Probably the biggest takeaway from 500 Days Of Summer is the dangers of falling in love with the idea of someone, and not who they actually are. Tom placed Summer on a pedestal, hopelessly pining after her because he felt that there would never be anyone else who he could possibly love the way he loved her. And he might be right, but only because he constructed who he thought she was, not embracing who she actually was. Sure, the Summer he made up may have been his dream girl, but you have to wake up from dreams eventually, right? As Tom’s Paul puts it about his partner, Robyn:

At its core, a woundmate is a trauma-bond connection. These relationships often start with a ton of promise but ultimately become toxic and triggering over time. Here are five concrete signs you’ve found your woundmate (not a soulmate).

1. Your relationship started out great.

You two clicked immediately and things progressed naturally. Everything felt so easy and effortless. You fell for each other fast and hard, almost as if you had no other choice but to do so. The chemistry was insane. You also couldn’t believe how alike you both were; it was almost as if you found your other half.

However, since that magical beginning, now there is mostly toxicity. Now, you’re not entirely sure where you stand with them at any given moment. They don’t treat you as someone they cherish but rather a person they could simply take or leave. This leads to epic fights and pain.

However, what makes a woundmate so toxic is that there are also passionate reconciliations. Despite the lack of compatibility, the chemistry is undeniable and is ultimately what keeps you both hooked. You feel as though you’re on a rollercoaster with them, but you’re not sure how much longer you can stay on the ride.

2. You don’t feel seen by them.

Another sign you’ve met your woundmate is that you don’t feel they truly see you. Your woundmate will hear what you’re saying but won’t seem to grasp the true meanings behind your words. You will feel exhausted in your attempts to make them understand you.

3. You bring out each other’s insecurities.

Woundmates ignite one another’s deepest fears. You scratch open their old wounds and they pour salt into your lingering hurt. You trigger one another endlessly, without even meaning to. And no matter how much you may want to help them, and maybe even them help you, it just doesn’t work. You only make each other’s cuts deeper, despite your positive intentions.

4. You feel drained after spending time with them.

Your woundmate is not someone who leaves you feeling fulfilled and aligned. Rather, they completely deplete you of your energy. They’re a type of emotional vampire, to an extent.

5. You feel like you have to abandon your own needs to keep the relationship alive.

There is a level of codependency that is the core of a woundmate connection. Despite bleeding out, you are still desperately trying to stitch together their hurt. The idea of losing them feels inevitable but that thought is also too painful to even consider acting on. And so, you stay and try your best to save them despite the fact the person you actually need to save is yourself.

***

A woundmate is not your forever person; they are not your soulmate or “The One.” A woundmate simply reveal what pieces of yourself still need healing. A soulmate is the person who supports you while you pick up the pieces. Let your woundmate go. Let your heart mend.

The “soft life” (or “soft era”) lifestyle is one that rose in popularity thanks to TikTok. The soft life is one that rejects hustle culture and toxic productivity and embraces rest and slowness instead. While the soft life usually is used to help create a healthier work-life balance, there are many tenants of the soft life that can actually be applied to dating too.

Here are five soft life principles that will totally transform your love life. 

1. Set. Firm. Boundaries.

Boundaries are an essential component of living the soft life, and boundaries are also necessary for having a positive dating experience.

Boundaries help us establish expectations in our relationships and provide guidelines for how we want and need to be treated. Boundaries truly are the foundation of healthy dating because they keep us safe and empowered. Loose or non-existent boundaries, on the other hand, make us vulnerable and unhappy.

Some examples of soft life dating boundaries can include:

• How often you want to communicate via text or call
• When you will be available by phone
• Not tolerating disrespect
• What you feel comfortable doing sexually

2. Prioritize having fun.

In other words, take the pressure off a bit, even if you are looking for a committed partnership. Dating should be fun and the person you’re seeing should add joy to your life. And in the rules of the soft life, putting your joy first is key.

So, if someone you’re dating is making you unhappy or if the time you spend with them leaves you feeling drained or anxious, this is not only a sign of incompatibility but it also indicates you might be wasting your time. Sure, relationships do take work and aren’t always easy, but they shouldn’t be hard. Especially in the beginning stages! Forcing a relationship will never be the right move. And honestly? If you’re not enjoying your time with someone, what’s the point? Be truthful with yourself if something isn’t working with someone so you can move forward.

3. Take frequent breaks.

While dating should be fun, it can still be a tiring process. Rejection happens and heartbreak will never not suck. And especially in today’s dating culture, dating is only becoming more and more frustrating with situationships being the norm and lackluster effort being the baseline because so many people are afraid of showing they care. It’s exhausting.

This is why taking a step back when you’re feeling defeated or wounded is important. Remember, the soft life is about prioritizing rest and wellness. It’s okay to take a step back when you need to do so.

4. Be intentional.

Intentionality is a core component of soft life living, and dating from a place of intention will greatly improve your love life. Be mindful about who gets your time and how much of it. Be honest about what you’re looking for and walk away from those who aren’t able or willing to give you what you want. Know your standards and weed out anyone who doesn’t align with those values.

5. Slow down.

Ignore the sense of urgency that is trying to rush you into love. There is no deadline for romance because there will always be someone else to love. Slow down because this helps you be intentional but also takes the pressure out of dating a bit. Racing through dates won’t help you find true love any faster than taking your time and being mindful. In fact, barreling from Hinge match to Bumble match might actually impede your shots more. Embrace slowness. Enjoy the ride. Remember you still have time.

Here are four of the most toxic couples in movie history. 

1. Nate and Andy (The Devil Wears Prada)

Iykyk: Nate is the true villain in The Devil Wears Prada.

In the movie, Andy (Anne Hathaway) lands a job at Runway, a fashion magazine, as a junior personal assistant for the publication’s editor-in-chief Miranda Priestly. Andy is totally unfamiliar with the world of fashion but hoped to use Runway as a stepping stone for future journalism roles. Initially, Andy’s job performance is…messy to say the least. And it didn’t help that Miranda is a truly horrifying character. However, in time, Andy gradually begins to kill it and is given more and more responsibility and opportunities.

However, despite these professional successes and milestones, Andy’s boyfriend Nate (Adrian Grenier) is not supportive. In fact, he begins to resent Andy for her commitment to her career and her change in personal style. And despite the fact Andy was thriving and happy with her evolution in both her sense of self and career, Andy felt threatened and was deeply judgmental. Eventually, they break up as a result.

2. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan (Twilight)

Despite how their “love” story was touted as one for the ages when the book and movies first came out, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan from the Twilight series actually suck together (sorry, I had to).

Anyway, if we were playing Toxic Relationship Bingo, they’d mark every single box:

• Edward’s possessiveness
• Mutual obsession
• Horrific communication
• Edward’s controlling behavior
• Codependence
• Bella’s recklessness
• Edward constantly putting Bella in dangerous situations

3. Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (Fifty Shades Of Grey)

I mean, obviously. While the book intended (I think lol) to showcase sexual exploration in the form of a BDSM and to entertain suburban moms, uh…it was actually a completely abusive arrangement and not at all romantic. Also, Fifty Shades Of Grey started as Twilight fan fiction. So. There’s also that.

4. Amy Dunne and Nick Dunne (Gone Girl)

I mean, the entire plot of Gone Girl is about seeking vengeance on a cheating spouse. In this case, it was Nick cheating on Amy. Instead of getting divorced, trying couples counseling, or maybe seeing a therapist herself, Amy devises a truly unhinged plan: fake her own disappearance and murder that she will frame Nick for. The movie has a crazy plot twist at the end that is truly diabolical. Anyway, Amy and Nick are truly the definition of toxicity.

“Limerence” is a term that has raised to popularity as of late but it was actually first coined in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love. 

Limerence is used to describe obsession and longing for another person, often unreciprocated. It’s a state of utter infatuation and fantasy, and results in emotionally-dependent, unhealthy relationships and mindsets. Someone in limerence places the object of their desire on a pedestal, believing them to be perfect and flawless. In other words, a person in limerence falls for an idea, a portrait of another they painted themselves without ever truly seeing the other person to accurately construct the image.

While there is definitely some overlap with love and limerence, ultimately someone experiencing limerence is more obsessed with keeping that potrait they have of the other person alive, and earning that version’s love and affection, rather than actually carrying out a real relationship with a real person. Because true love takes work, commitment, and accepting imperfection. This cannot happen in limerence.

There have been various movies throughout the years that portray limerence in relationships that can give you a better idea of what it looks like played out. Here are four movies that perfectly capture the yearning and fantasty of limerence.

1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)

In Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, directed by Michel Gondry and written by Charlie Kaufman, former couple Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) part ways. Later on, Joel finds out that Clementine has undergone a procedure to completely rid herself of memories of him and their relationship. Not just the painful ones; all of them. In retaliation, anger, and heartbreak, Joel decides to do the same and signs up to have memories of Clementine and their relationship erased at the same clinic called Lacuna Inc.

Throughout the movie, there are various instances of limerence. In one scene, for example, while journaling, Joel runs into Clementine on a train to Montauk (for context, this is post-procedure, and they do not realize they used to know each other). After Clementine smiles at Joel, he immediately feels drawn to her. “Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?” wonders Joel, scribbling in his notebook. Now remember, limerence requires a level of romanticization and expectation that doesn’t align with reality and that is exactly what Joel is doing here (and seemingly has a tendency to do with most women).

In another scene at Barnes & Noble, where Clementine works, she is talking to Joel and reinforces the fact she is flawed. “Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive,” she says. “But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.” Here, Clementine describes what it’s like to be the person who is the object of another’s limerence. To someone in limerence, the person they “love” will take away any pain of the past, put them back together, and infuse the zest for life they’ve been missing into their veins. And this is exactly why limerence is so toxic: that is too much pressure to put on another person. People are just people, even the ones we fall in love with. No one can complete any other person. We must be whole on our own.

2. 500 Days Of Summer (2009)

500 Days Of Summer is a prime example of what happens when someone is in limerence. In this case, the person was Tom (Joseph Gordan-Levitt), a greeting card writer who becomes infatuated with Summer (Zooey Deschanel), his boss’ new assistant. Tom pines after Summer for weeks until they eventually begin a situationship of sorts.

Summer is clear from the very start, and throughout the movie, that she is not interested in a serious relationship with him and just wants to have fun. This doesn’t stop Tom from reading into every single “sign” that Summer may truly love Tom back, though. He convinces himself she just needs time to let her walls down and fully let him in. Tom thinks Summer just holding back due to her trust issues. He doesn’t understand how they couldn’t not be endgame with all of their mutual interests, sex, and fun. Tom reads too much into everything and doesn’t face the truth of Summer until he is forced to do so.

In one montage, Tom looks back at their situationship with a different lens: reality. He finally realizes those “signs” he clung to were that of fantasy and nothing more. And this a huge symptom of limerence: relying on your own interpretations and projections to keep your feelings and hope alive rather than facing the true nature of someone else and your relationship with them.

3. Her (2013)

Her is a science fiction and romance written, directed, and co-produced by Spike Jonze. In the movie, Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix) is a lonely writer who ends up falling in love with a woman named Samantha. The twist? Samantha is actually an A.I. virtual assistant personified through a female voice (voiced by Scarlett Johansson). Her is a direct portrayal of limerence due to the impossible logistics of a man being able to carry out a true relationship with A.I.

4. New Moon (2009)

While Bella and Edward’s relationship throughout the entire Twilight series is not exactly what could ever be considered a healthy, loving relationship, it’s in the franchise’s second installment New Moon that their toxicity reaches new heights.

After Edward suddenly breaks up with Bella and leaves to unknown whereabouts, Bella is completely devastated and falls apart. She experiences frequent panic attacks, periods emotional vacancy, and ultimately becomes a shell of herself without him.

While breakups always suck, Bella’s extreme reaction to her and Edward’s is a prime example of the emotional dependence that coincides with limerence. Not only that, Bella becomes obsessive over time, acting recklessly in an attempt to bait Edward into returning. She often has vivid fantasies that border on hallucinations of Edward coming back to rescue her from the dangerous situations she purposely keeps getting herself into. While Bella and Edward do eventually get back together, the breakup proves that their relationship is not at all something to be admired.

If you often feel completely unmoored and anxious whenever you have to spend time away from your partner, you might be in an enmeshed relationship. And as someone who has been in her fair share of enmeshed entanglements, I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing romantic about being completely wrapped up in another person. If anything, it is self-destruction.

An enmeshed partnership is not healthy and never will be because enmeshment is detrimental to your identity, your self-esteem, and your mental health as a whole. This is true for your partner as well.

Luckily, there are ways you and your partner can untangle yourselves from the enmeshment and have a healthier, happy partnership. Here’s how: 

What Is Romantic Enmeshment?

Before jumping into how you can break the cycle of enmeshment, it is important to define what enmeshment is. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), enmeshment is when two or more people become so deeply involved in each other’s lives that healthy interaction becomes limited, if not impossible.

While enmeshment often occurs within families, all types of relationships can become enmeshed, including romantic partnerships.

Signs Of An Enmeshed Relationship

There are various signs that indicate you might be an enmeshed couple such as:

• You abandon your wants and needs. This is so you can tend to your partner’s wants and needs instead. You’re so focused on “serving” them that you neglect yourself.
• You feel completely disconnected from your emotions. In other words, you’ve so tied up worrying and focusing on your partner’s feelings you forget all about your own emotional experience.
• Your identity and sense of self revolve around your relationship. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re not entirely sure who you are without them.
• You have lost your independence. This can mean trouble making decisions without your partner’s input and struggling with time spent apart.
• You avoid conflict with your partner. You do so to “keep the peace” and maintain the “stability” of the relationship.
• You resent your partner. After all, every single issue you may have goes unresolved because you have yet to address any of the problems.

The Impact Of Enmeshment

Enmeshment is linked to various mental health issues including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance misuse
• Eating disorders

Enmeshment can also lead to  higher stress, lower self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and feelings of isolation from your other relationships such as with your friends and family.

How To Repair An Enmeshed Relationship

If you believe your relationship has become enmeshed, don’t panic. There are things you can do to untangle yourselves from one another and have a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling partnership.

1. Set clear boundaries (and then stick to them).

At their core, enmeshed relationships form due to a lack of boundaries. To restore (or create) a more stable relationship dynamic, setting boundaries will be fundamental.

There are five types of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, and financial. It is important to establish boundaries with your partner for each type.

Once you’ve determined what you are willing and not willing to do in each boundary category, do your best to stick to them. Wobbly, inconsistent boundaries are just as unhelpful as having no boundaries at all because this leads to distrust, miscommunications, and confusion.

2. Remember that communication is key.

Communicating openly, even when it’s uncomfortable, will be vital to creating a healthier, more authentic connection with your partner. Honest communication helps bring you and your partner closer because it helps create trust.

Some tips for improving your communication include:

• Use “I statements” versus accusatory language
• Avoid being passive aggressive
• Take time apart to process an issue before bringing up the problem
• Be collaborative during arguments (remember, the goal is resolution, not necessarily being “right”)

3. Consider seeing a couples counselor.

Sometimes, you may need outside involvement to work on repairing your relationship, and that is more than okay. There is no shame in seeking relationship counseling. In fact, if anything, it is proof of your love and commitment to one another.

4. Work on your individual identities outside of your relationship.

Carve out alone time so you can develop a stronger sense of self outside of your partner. Pursue your own hobbies. Work on personal development goals. Foster closer relationships with your friends and family. Remember that you are a person with (or without) them and that person deserves to be seen, nurtured, and cared for.

When Is It Time To Walk Away?

Of course, there is always a possibility that you and your partner could be too intertwined to make it work. While there are no definitive “call it” points, if you have tried endlessly to unravel from one another but to no avail, the most loving thing you could do for each other is to walk away.

The term “dark night of the soul” was first coined in a poem by Spanish poet and mystic Saint John of the Cross in the 16th-century. Today, the dark night of the soul is an idea that exists across various religions and spiritual practices.

At its core, the dark night of the soul is a spiritual depression, a crisis of faith, a total eclipse of meaning. But the dark night of the soul is also an awakening, a life-changing pivot.

Here are eight concrete signs you’re experiencing the dark night of the soul.

1. You no longer recognize your life as yours.

There is a profound feeling of misalignment with the life you are currently living and the life you know is meant to be yours. It is almost as if you are looking at yourself from the outside, watching a stranger go about their days.

You keep telling yourself there is no way you could have chosen this life for yourself. And in a way, you are right, but only on a technicality. Because while you did not choose this life, you have fallen into it due to your lack of awareness and intention. You have been existing in a state of autopilot, simply going through the motions of what you “should” be at the expense of what you actually want.

2. You know you “should” be happy. But you’re just not.

While your life looks good on paper, it also feels utterly devoid of meaning. You feel purposeless. Empty. Lost.

While you have always been able to push away the spiritual emptiness, the hunger pains are only growing more intense. You have finally reached a point where you can no longer ignore the spiritual starvation of settling for a conventional life. Something needs to change, and drastically.

3. You’re profoundly sad.

Everything feels as though it is too heavy and too much to bear. You’re profoundly sad all the time, and hopeless is starting to take a hold of you as well.

4. You’re “purging.”

You are being called to release in a major way. This is a huge component of the dark night of the soul because you are making room for a more authentic way of being through letting go of the relics of who you thought you were supposed to be. This purging could be through decluttering your space or through physical symptoms such as wanting to sweat more.

5. You’re no longer interested in external gratification.

After all, you’re coming to learn that internal satisfaction is far superior to anything material. You are beginning to shift your focus from what you think looks good to what actually feels good. And you’re finding the things that feel the most wonderful are also the things that feel the most authentic and true to you. You’re starting to redefine what success and a life-well-lived means to you and you alone.

6. You’re experiencing lots of random flashbacks and dreams about your past.

These memories and dreams could be about your childhood, from college, old relationships, etc. These visions are coming up because you are finally beginning to reckon with the unresolved emotions that these events and relationships brought to you. It is a crucial part of the dark night of the soul. It is imperative for healing and waking up to your true purpose.

7. You’re becoming more aware of yourself, sometimes in a jarring way.

Because a dark night of the soul is the cusp of a spiritual breakthrough, you might have noticed you are becoming more and more self-aware, sometimes in painful ways. For example, you may have noticed your shadow self more. Or maybe you’ve been more cognizant of maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms. Pay close attention to what is grabbing your attention the most; this may be where you should begin your healing journey.

8. You’re (almost) ready to heal.

You are finally coming to terms with the fact you have much more healing to do, healing you didn’t think was necessary before. But because you’re embarking through the dark night of the soul, you’re realizing you still have some more work to do. And you’re almost ready to face it. You’re almost ready to finally heal.

“We’re talking.” A phrase simultaneously vague as hell but so universally experienced in today’s dating culture we all know exactly what it means.

Also known as the talking stage, “talking with” someone basically means you’re doing relationship things with someone who won’t commit to you just yet. (Or maybe ever.) The talking stage means you’re going on dates, texting and calling daily, building emotional closeness, sleeping together, and staying the night at their apartment but without any labels or idea of where the two of you are headed when it comes to one another.

It’s exhausting.

Because if the talking stage is anything, it is a game that has no real way to keep score. The endgame is “idk maybe.” The talking stage is essentially a contest of who can care less and be (read: come across as) the least attached. The talking stage is about trying to win the other person over without ever needing to say that’s what you were doing. And honestly, it’s all bullshit.

The talking stage has made us all cowards. We’re all so damn fearful of commitment that we’ll literally act like a couple with someone for three months and deny we ever cared because we never put a label on it. You can’t lose what you never had, right? After all, you were ✨ just talking ✨ and there’s nothing serious about that! It’s pathetic. But mostly it’s just so lonely.

I’m done with it. I’m tired of not saying what I want because I’m afraid of coming across as too much or clingy. I’m sick of pretending I don’t care when I do. I’m so beyond over confiding in someone I’m not entirely sure will text me back the next day or just leave me on read for the rest of my life.

I don’t get how we got to this place in our society where wanting to love and be loved has become this shameful little secret. Why is wanting a genuine connection so bad? What’s wrong with commitment? Why would seeking these things make us weak when it’s what we’re literally wired as human beings to do?

I don’t know about you, but I’m done acting like a person without feelings. From now on, I’ll be showing up and asking for what I want and being who I authentically am. I will communicate openly and honestly. I will demand respect. And if that makes me “too much” for someone, then I’ll know that they’re not the right person for me. Because anyone I’m meant to be with will take me as all that I am.

So, this is me breaking up with the talking stage. This is me going in with an open heart and mind. While this may make me more vulnerable and prone to heartbreak, so be it because at least I can say I tried. At least I can say I was brave. At least I can say I was honest. At least I can say I have no what-ifs.

I have no talking stages left in me. I want the real thing.

Men need to start doing more than the bare minimum if they want to find love, research says.

An article published in Psychology Today entitled “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men” points to research and trends in modern dating that show heterosexual men are losing out on opportunities to find love.

According to Greg Matos, PsyD, there are a number of reasons for this phenomenon. For starters, men comprise approximately 62% of dating app users, meaning their chance of finding matches becomes lower. But the bigger issue rests in a skills deficit and rising relationship standards.

This skills deficit men have in relationships is specifically in regards to emotional connection. “The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love,” explains Dr. Matos in his article. “Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys.”

Such skills may include communication, empathy, and just general emotional intelligence. And as Dr. Matos pointed out, most men are not taught these things due to social conditioning. (Think toxic masculinity and how men are consistently told to “man up” when even the slight chance of feeling anything arises.)

This skills deficit is then compounded by rising relationship standards. Women want more than the bare minimum. They want emotional closeness and intimacy beyond sex. According to interviews with listeners of Dr. Matos’ TikTok show “A Better Love Project,” women ages 25 and 45 “prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.”

Women are becoming more selective about who they date and spend their time with. And for good reason: we’re fed up begging for what we already deserve.

We are finally learning our worth and refusing to settle for less-than any longer. We have more opportunities than women have ever had. We no longer need a man to achieve a wonderful life. As such, men need to bring something extra to the table if we’re going to commit. Men need to show that a life with them will be better than a life single.

Dr. Matos recommends men invest in their mental health to become better partners. This can include attending therapy so they can unlearn toxic beliefs about gender roles and emotions. In any event, men need to be committed to their own healing and active participants in their own growth. No one else can do it for them.

Men need to rise to the occasion if they want to find love. Let’s hope they’ll be up to the challenge.

Here are 14 women on the things people need to stop romanticizing.

1. Romantic relationships.

Romantic relationships. I feel like too many people act like they are the absolute goal in everyone’s life, and that any other types of relationships are, and should be of lesser value. Rich_Group_8997

2. Losing your virginity.

Losing your virginity. As a young woman, I was led to believe it would be magical. It was painful, clumsy, messy and awkward and nothing like that at all. Bulliesvegetables

3. Being a mom.

Motherhood. I feel scammed by the society when it’s about how maternity is shown. It’s f*cking hard. It is still being so hard for me to build myself up after the birth and it’s very hard to open up to people about how I actually feel because of fear of being labeled as bad mother. I love my child, but motherhood sucks. Unusual_Sorbet1009

4. Being overworked and busy.

Being overworked/working all the time. You’re not going to get an award for dedicating your life to work. No one will care, outside of maybe your boss, but the reality is, if you left your job, they’d find a replacement for you in a snap. blueeyedlies

5. Romance in general.

Paradoxically, people need to stop romanticizing romance. It is a very hard thing and requires grit, open communication, trust, and loyalty. All things that come with time; they are not instantaneous like most Disney movies preach. gobskin

6. The extravagant, “perfect” weddings for the sake of social media.

The need to have the perfect engagement, wedding, anniversaries etc. Also ‘professional’ photo sessions with a significant other. It’s so cringy what people do just for social media attention. melasuarus

7. The “perfect life.”

The ‘perfect life.’ A lot of people believe that after graduation you should land a great job, meet the love of your life, get married, have 1.5 kids and live in a nice home. Things often don’t happen that way and that’s okay. The friends I do know who have more or less followed that path aren’t necessarily happier than the friends who haven’t followed that path. starskyandbutch

8. Toxic exes.

Crazy exes, there is nothing normal about someone damaging your belongings or calling you multiple times a day after breaking up. AdAwkward1635

9. Suffering.

Suffering as a badge of honor. I grew up poor, fought like hell to get out of an abusive marriage, and worked my ass off with two jobs to care for a special needs kid to finally land in a career that allowed me to buy a home. Yay, but I don’t t wish that struggle or hardship on anyone so let’s fix our systems so people don’t have to suffer. EngineeringDry7999

10. Excusing toxic behavior for occasional romantic gestures.

Grand romantic gestures somehow cancelling out toxic behaviour. My mom is stuck in a relationship like this and it drives me nuts. brbgottagofast

11. Fixing men.

‘I can fix him.’ Stop. He literally is a horrible human. Bambiisong

12. Travel.

Travel. I love to travel, but not at the expense of having a home base. Also, travel involves a lot of tiring parts, and it’s not all enlightenment and glamour. mlle_keri

13. Being constantly available and in contact.

Constant contact. I’m sure a majority of people have cell phones, access to email, social media, etc. But stop confusing accessibility as availability and romanticizing the speed in which we reply to people to mean either A. They clearly love you or B. Clearly they hate you. I am not available 24/7. StrongFreeBrave

14. Twin flames.

Manifesting that ‘specific person.’ Twin flames/Soulmates when actually it is a trauma bond and dysfunctional. MoonlightSun11