1. Thinking that you have to do literally everything on your own in order to be an adult. Refusing to ask for any advice or help, even though you desperately need it, because you don’t want to appear weak or immature or irresponsible.

2. Continuing to work a job you absolutely hate because it’s comfortable, rather than making proactive moves to leave it for something that’s a better fit.

3. Drinking wayyyyyy too much coffee because you think it will help you be productive.

4. Treating yourself to something when you can’t exactly afford it (within reason, of course).

5. Drunk texting your crush.

6. Truly believing you should have it all figured out by now.

7. Dating an asshole just for the hell of it, rather than pursuing someone who you would actually have a future with.

8. Getting a little too drunk and making a questionable decision as a result.

9. Trying way too fucking hard to impress people who you probably won’t talk to in the next five years because you perceive them to be much cooler, better, and more successful than you.

10. Chasing someone because they’re completely and utterly unavailable rather than being actually into them.

11. Not setting boundaries or asking for what you need from your family, friends, or romantic interests because you’re afraid of appearing “unchill.”

12. Thinking that “chill” is the best thing you can be, rather than the feeling and emotional being you truly are.

13. Staying in touch with people from your past because of a feeling of obligation rather than sincere interest in maintaining those relationships.

14. Never taking a damn risk.

15. Coming on a little too strong when you find someone you’re really, really into, consequently pushing them away.

16. Reading wayyyyyy too much into someone’s text that is totally innocuous but coming to a chilling conclusion of what their “Okay!” means anyway.

17. Forgetting to love yourself because someone else doesn’t.

18. Feeling the pressure to settle down because your friends are starting to, rather than abiding by what you want out of your life.

19. Never unplugging from work because you’re so afraid of messing up that you forget to live your life outside of the office.

20. Not treating your body with the respect it deserves.

21. Trying to spur change from a place of self-hatred rather than looking at it as an opportunity for growth.

22. Being too afraid to ask for the raise you know you damn well deserve.

23. Buying into the idea that everything you see on Instagram is an accurate portrayal of someone’s life, rather than just the highlights and what they want you to see.

24. Believing in someone who doesn’t deserve your faith.

25. Considering chicken nuggets to be a legitimate food group.

26. Assuming it’s too late to begin again; no matter how old you are, you can always start again. Give yourself the chance to.

Maybe the chance we never got is the cliffhanger I’ll have to learn to live with. Maybe our story is the one that never gets to be rewritten. Maybe this is the only universe we ever get to exist in.

And maybe you and I just don’t get a chance to make this right.

Maybe the words that we said don’t get to be anything but broken. Sharp. Cutting. Maybe I’ll never learn to swallow my heartbreak and keep it from jumping out of my chest and causing collateral damage. Maybe there are just some people we don’t get to love forever.

Maybe your eyes don’t actually look like the color of cold coffee long after the ice has melted. Maybe they’re just brown. Maybe you’re not the only one that will ever make me feel safe, loved, and okay just as I am. Maybe it’s dangerous to assume that only someone else can make you feel those things at all.

Maybe I’ll always have just a little bit too much to say to you. Maybe there’s something about you that will always make poetry bleed out of me.

Maybe some people cross our paths to break us. Or maybe they come into our lives for no reason other than coincidence. Whatever the reason you were here, maybe I’m glad you entered my atmosphere at all. Or maybe I’m not.

Because maybe we’re better off as strangers. Maybe one day your name will mean nothing to me other than as someone I used to know, your syllables fading into the backdrop of my life as I strive towards a tomorrow without the hope of an us in it.

But maybe I don’t want that at all. Maybe I just need time. Maybe you do, too. Maybe I just need to let you go slowly until the freefall doesn’t sound so scary anymore. And maybe you just can’t be the one to catch me.

And maybe, just maybe, one day we can be friends. Actual friends. Just friends.

And maybe I’m okay with that.

I’m 26, that sweet spot in your life where you’re starting to become who you will always be. And, to be honest, I’m not sure I like who I’m becoming.

You see, I’m messy and chaotic and always have a little bit too much to say. I get lost in my mind far more than I’d like to admit and I don’t own a bed frame. I care too much what other people think. My savings are laughable or pain-inducing, depending on how you look at it, and I call my mom way more than I should. I drink too much and workout too little and feel like I’m constantly on the edge of breaking even when everything seems to be going right.

They say your 20s are the best years of your life, but I constantly feel like I’m coming together only to fall apart again the next day. But maybe that’s just part of the process.

I don’t know.

But there is a certain hope that lingers in your 20s, the idea that you still have time to become who you want to be. The best version of yourself, as it were. And when I start to think about the woman that I want to become, this is what comes to mind:

I want to be chaotic but in a positive way. Not so self-destructive or so self-loathing that it’s difficult to get through the day. I want to be the woman who knows how to take care of plants and not kill them within three days. I want to host Sunday brunches in my airy apartment that has a bookshelf with an impressive collection of books that I have actually read and don’t put off reading for months after I buy them.

I want to be the woman who owns a yoga mat and understands what it means to be mindful. I want to be the woman who takes care of her mind, body, and spirit and not in an obnoxious, Instagram way but in a genuine, purposeful way. Subtle. Not showy. Only doing so for her.

I want to be the woman who her friends and family can count on. I want to be the woman who understands politics and isn’t afraid to admit when she doesn’t know something so she is then able to learn. I want to be a woman who can discuss the finer details of film, who can actually sit through a movie without having to take 10 breaks and play on her phone because sitting still is just that hard for her.

I want to be the woman who recognizes good wine and coffee and conversation. I want to be the woman who has a dog she loves the absolute shit out of. I want to be the woman paints in watercolors and goes to museums and knows basic art history. I want to be a woman who hikes and looks up at the sky and appreciates that she gets to be alive.

But I also want to be the woman who is just a little bit hard to swallow. Rough around the edges. The one who thrives in chaos and feels most alive with things are little off key and a little too bright.

I still want to be me. 

Because I don’t want to be the perfect woman. I will probably always accidentally kill my plants. I will probably always continue to be overly ambitious with the books I buy and will always be afraid to admit I know far less than I give off. I think my heart will always be a tad too heavy for my bones and I’ll sometimes wish things were different, that I was different. And maybe this woman who is flawed and lonely and too much and too little all at once is still okay.

Because ultimately I just want to be the woman who loves hard and is loved in return. And I think I already am her. And that’s more than enough for my lifetime.

It’s just always there. The sadness you just can’t shake. That demanding belief that something is always going to go wrong no matter what you do to try and prevent the casualties. No matter what you try and do to stop the bleeding. No matter what you do to try and believe that things really will be okay.

The sadness you just can’t shake is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the people you love to leave, and for all the masks you wear to finally slide off your face and reveal everything you’ve been hiding from the world. It’s a constant state of simultaneous terror and paralysis. It’s running away and staying still all at once. It’s like your fight or flight is broken just like the rest of you.

The sadness you just can’t shake is uninvited and unwanted but it really doesn’t give a shit how you feel. It’s staying whether you want it to or not. It’s your past, it’s your present, and it’s your future.

So you just learn to get used to it. 

You learn to push it down far enough for it not to overflow into your daily life. At least not too much. You learn to drown it out enough with liquor and shitty food and noise from crowded bars and empty conversations that you can’t be present in anyway because you’re trying so hard to shut that voice up in your mind that says you’re not good enough to be there.

The sadness you just can’t shake is an absence so present that you can’t help but stare into its abyss and wonder what’s next and what could possibly fill it. But no matter how hard you try, you never find an answer, not really.

Rinse and repeat, day in and day out.

It’s exhausting feeling nothing at all and everything all at once. It’s tiring to pretend things are okay when they are anything but.

But you try and keep going anyway, despite the sadness you just can’t shake. And that has to count for something. For anything.

At least I like to think so. At least, I need to believe so.

Let me start this by saying I fucking love Demi Lovato. Like, L-O-V-E. I think she’s talented as hell and has the voice of an actual angel, but that’s not really why I’m such a big fan. The biggest reason I adore her so very much is that she’s been so fucking real about mental illness, as well as about her struggles with addiction, self-harm, and body image. To be so open about things so incredibly personal and dark and painful and willingly share those battles with the world is, frankly, brave as shit, selfless, and helps commoners like me who also deal with mental illness and similar conditions feel a whole lot less alone. She doesn’t owe us her story, but she chooses to share it and that is something I respect and do not take for granted. Demi is my girl.

Yesterday, reports surfaced that Lovato had been rushed to an LA hospital after an apparent overdose. She is reportedly now “stable.” And thank God. I wish her all the best and will be thinking of her and be praying for her recovery.

However, there’s been a lot of REALLY bad takes surrounding her hospitalization. Mainly, that this is her fault, that she’s a “junkie,” and every other ignorant thing you can think of.

And you know what? Fuck you, guys. Substance use disorders are not a moral failing. It’s not a lack of willpower and it’s no one’s fault who deals.

Where is your compassion? Your understanding? Your support? Your humanity?

It’s these shaming responses to Lovato’s apparent overdose that make me totally understand why people do not seek help. After all, shame is a powerful deterrent, capable of keeping anyone silent and alone. After all, I know shame is what kept me from going back to therapy for my own mental illness. It’s what kept me from taking the medication I desperately needed to stabilize my moods and help me get through the goddamn day. And I didn’t have the constant stream of unsolicited input that someone like Lovato has, being in such a public light and all. I can’t even imagine being in that position dealing with something so personal as substance use and mental illness and then having the world know about it, too.

It’s times like these where we all have a choice. We can judge and point fingers and belittle and shame. Or, we can find our humanity, educate ourselves on the subjects we don’t have a solid understanding of, and figure out how we can make this world a more compassionate place, where people can seek help rather than suffer in silence.

The choice is yours. And I hope you choose wisely.

Aries

You don’t give a fuck and that’s admirable as hell. Keep doing you and life will fall into place.

Taurus

Keep being stubborn as hell in your beliefs, in your loyalty, and in who you are as a person. It’s rare to find someone who sticks to what they believe in so adamantly. Don’t change that.

Gemini

Not knowing what you want is a damn good opportunity to explore everything life has to offer. Keep getting lost as fuck and find yourself along the way.

Cancer

Your gift is your sensitivity. Fuck anyone who says feeling too much is a bad thing. It’s what gives you your compassion and adds more vibrancy to your life.

Leo

You’re hot as shit and you know it. That’s not arrogant, it’s simply self-aware. Keep knowing your worth and say “fuck off” to anyone who doesn’t see it. They just don’t deserve to bask in your glow.

Virgo

Take a damn day off once in a while, would you? From everything. From your worry, your work, your projects, your relationships. Focus on taking care of your fucking self for once and notice how much more #zen you feel.

Libra

Not everything can be balanced all the fucking time, and that’s okay. Learning to roll with the punches life will inevitably throw at you will be the best thing you learn to do.

Scorpio

It’s okay to protect your heart and to not give away your trust so easily. In fact, it’s smart! However, you take it to a whole new fucking level and it’s leaving you lonely. Being able to depend on yourself is great, but sometimes it’s okay to lean on someone else. It’s the only way to get through this damn life.

Sagittarius

Believe it or not, it’s actually cool to care a little too much every once in a fucking while. Allow yourself to feel things deeply sometimes and not also try and deflect with sarcasm and humor. It’s okay to let people and feelings and moments into your heart.

Capricorn

Work on being more damn forgiving to not only others but yourself too. You hold a grudge like no one’s fucking business and it doesn’t keep you protected from bad things, it simply keeps your past front and center rather than your future. Let shit go every now and then and feel your life become a whole hell of a lot lighter.

Aquarius

You’re always running from emotional expression, Aquarius, but you know what? Eventually, you’re going to run out of your goddamn breath and have no choice but to say something. And by then, it’s usually a little too late. Own what you feel when you feel it and speak up when someone is pissing you off or if something is bothering you. It’ll do you some good.

Pisces

Don’t let the assholes get you down. They are never worth your time. Ever. Focus on the ones who lift you up and don’t drag your ass down. Who you don’t have to prove anything to. Those are your people. Embrace them and watch your life improve.

One of the last dates I went on was with a Brendan Urie look alike at a small café in a small town in Southeastern, Michigan. We had matched on Hinge. I don’t remember his name now, but I do remember nervously sharing sorta sad details about myself and looks of pity and then he never called. And to be honest, I totally get it. No offense taken, Brendan Urie!!!

I deleted the app shortly thereafter. 

I write a lot about relationships and love and heartbreak and dating and everything in between for my job, but I pretty much never put myself out there IRL. Call it fear of intimacy or vulnerability, remembrance of past hurt all too well, total laziness, lack of interest, #justdoingme, depression, low sex drive from depression medication, poor body image…whatever the reason or excuse du jour, I just don’t do it.

And I know this doesn’t make me special. I’m not unique. This isn’t novel or anything new. Lots of people are afraid of getting hurt, are fearful of rejection. In fact, I’d go as far to say even that the ones who do put themselves out there time and time again are also scared. But maybe they’re just braver than me.

I don’t know. 

It is an interesting position to be in, though, to write so much about something that lately I feel like I don’t know anything about.

I can write articles about what each zodiac sign needs to work on before they find love, but who the hell am I to give advice when I can’t even get a guy to text me back? Sure, coaches “don’t play” (h/t to my friend Emily for this anecdote) but they also always say to write what you know.

So where does that leave me? 

Well, I guess that leaves me here:

I know I’ve loved deeply and completely but I can’t even say something poetic like it went down in flames because it never even took off to begin with. I still know it was real, though. I know that for sure.

I know sometimes I text back too fast and come on too strong and fall a little too quickly but maybe that’s just the sign of an eager heart. And I know I’m too much but maybe one day that will be just enough. Maybe one day that will be okay.

I know that love hasn’t really worked out in my favor, at least not yet, but maybe one day it will. And for now, that’s enough for me.

Abduco

Detach, withdraw

Adamo

To fall in love with, find pleasure in

Ad infinitum

Again and again in the same way; forever

Ad nauseam

Referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome

Alibi

Elsewhere

Antebellum

Before the war

Aurora borealis

Northern lights

Bona fide

Genuine

Circa

At, in, or of approximately

Corpus

Body

Cum laude

With honor

De facto

In fact or in effect, whether by right or not

De jure

According to law

Deo volente

God willing

Deus ex machina

An unexpected power or event saving a seemingly hopeless situation, especially as a contrived plot device in a play or novel

Ergo

Therefore

Ex animo

From the heart

Ex nihilo

Out of nothing

Homo sapien

Human

Humanitas

Kindness

In medias res

Into the middle of a narrative; without preamble

In absentia

In the absence

In toto

As a whole

Ipso facto

By the very fact

Invicta

Unconquered

Magnum opus

The largest or best work of an artist

Mea culpa

An acknowledgment of one’s fault

Non sequitur

A conclusion or statement that does not logically follow from the previous argument or statement

Per capita

Per person

Per diem

Per day

Per se

By or in itself or themselves; intrinsically

Persona non grata

An unwanted person

Postmortem

After death

Praemonitus praemunitus

Forewarned is forearmed

Pro bono

For the good

Pro rata

For the rate

Quid pro quo

This for that

Rigor mortis

Stiffness of death

Semper fideles

Always faithful

Semper fortis

Always brave

Sic parvis magna

Greatness from small beginnings

Sola fide

By faith alone

Status quo

The situation in which or current condition

Subpoena

Under penalty

Tabula Rasa

Blank slate

Terra firma

Firm ground

Verbatim

Repeat exactly

Veto

I forbid

Vice versa

To change or turn around

Vox populi

Voice of the people

I don’t believe everything happens for a reason.

Most things that happen to us in this life we are unprepared for. Our existence is random and unpredictable. Shit happens, things come together only to fall apart, and yet we find a way to keep going anyway. We find hidden strength in our shaking bones to move forward despite not knowing what’s going to happen next; what could go wrong next. We only have our past as a blueprint. It’s the only thing we know for sure. The future is a blank slate. Anything could happen, both good and bad.

And that’s both comforting and really fucking scary all at once. 

One of the good things we hope to happen to us is love. As human beings, we’re wired for love. Yes, we can say it’s just a neurochemical reaction but if that’s how we’re biologically created, that’s pretty damn beautiful, no? And since it’s literally part of our nature to love and be loved, most of us will spend our lives seeking it out. Some of us will find our person early on, but many will not. And for some of us who have not found love, we start to compare ourselves to friends and family and random people we’ve never met who have found love and become cynical and bitter. Jaded. Sad.

We start to wonder why it hasn’t happened for us and also begin to worry that it will never happen at all. In turn, we convince ourselves we are broken and unwanted and unlovable. We draft lists in our mind as to why we are currently single and return to those reasons when it’s late and we’re lonely and everything is hurting.

It’s a vicious fucking cycle.

But you know what? In life, most things we don’t see coming. We’re constantly caught off guard and surprised and blindsided.

And if most things in life we don’t see coming, why should we expect love to be any different?

Believe me when I say that love will find you when you least expect it.

Some call this serendipity, the finding of something good when you weren’t looking. Some call it fate, that whatever is meant to be will be. Some claim it to be destiny, the workings of the universe, of God, etc. Whatever the forces behind this thing called love may be, you need to trust that it’s out there for you if you want it.

You can’t plan for it. There’s no formula. It’s not a science. There’s no reason it hasn’t worked out before. We’re always thinking we should be someplace else with someone else but the truth is you’re exactly where you need to be, right here, right now.

Let it all go. Let it all fall apart. And most importantly, let it all be.

Stop forcing relationships that you deep down know aren’t good for you. Stop chasing people who do not want to be caught. Stop swiping through dating apps because you feel like you need to find someone RIGHT NOW or you never will.

Instead, do you. Live your life. Love will follow. It always does.

Please, just give it time and stop looking because love finds you, not the other way around.  

Ah, ghosting. It happens to the best of us, amirite? You think things are going well with Joe from Hinge and then he falls off the face of the earth and never texts you back! Ugh. Damnit, Joe from Hinge! Why you gotta be that way?

Dick.

But here’s something you may have never considered:

He may actually have fallen off the face of the earth because he actually might just be dead!!

Like, seriously, girlfriend! It might not be anything to do with you, it might just be his lack of pulse. Like, maybe he got hit by a bus or went to take a nap and forgot to wake up! Yeah, his silence might be because he isn’t into you at all, but we can’t rule out the whole dead option yet. It really could be nothing personal. So stop beating yourself up!

However, it’s always hard to tell. Here are a few signs he isn’t ghosting you, he’s just dead:

He hasn’t posted to his Snapchat Story in a few hours:

Wow, yeah, hate to say it but this is a sure sign that he has passed.

(Of course, based on the horrific new update, you might just not be able to find his Story and he could very well be breathing. You’ll need to investigate a little more.) 

You’re at least a 6 and he’s a 5 at best.

No guy in his right mind would turn down a gal who is hotter than him unless he’s dead. Only explanation. Definitive proof.

When you texted and asked if he was dead, he never replied.

Totally normal question to ask and only the deceased would ignore it. I mean, how rude would it be to not let someone know you were still alive? (Answer: Really fucking rude.)

Spooky things keep happening.

Like things falling off your shelf or your purse isn’t where you remember putting it. He’s trying to send you a message from the great beyond and that is that he’s dead AF. Romantic, right? Cutie!!!

There’s a literal obituary.

Yeah, he’s a goner. Condolences. Better luck next time!

I see you. You, the girl who walks right up to the bar and orders a cheap whiskey on the rocks. You, the girl who isn’t afraid to do a shot of Jack to get the night started. You, the girl who slings her purse over the barstool and surveys the room, taking in the scene and putting together the stories of the other night owls while you wait for your friends to arrive.

You feel most like yourself past 10 p.m., in a dimly lit dive bar with your favorite people.

You notice a lot more than you let on. You’re constantly observing. When you look at someone, you do your best to truly see all of them because you know what it’s like to be looked past. To be chosen second. To be heard but not listened to. You’re the girl who learned early on to take care of herself and haven’t tried to find anyone else to do that for you.

After all, you like being on your own. You know how to stand on your own two feet. Independent, and maybe a little closed off. But that’s only because you know better. You learned that love can hurt and people leave.

But please remember not all of them well. It’s okay to let your guard down every now and then.

You don’t have to do everything on your own.

So to the whiskey girls, please understand that I know you, I see you, and I am you. 

You’re rough around the edges and a bit hard to swallow. A little bit too much and definitely not for everyone. In fact, you may not be for most. And that’s okay.

You’re okay just as you are. 

So, please, the next time it’s nearing 11 p.m. and the bar is growing more and more crowded, let yourself be seen. Continue to make others feel at home but for once make your home in someone else, too. Let them in. You’re worth knowing after all.

And most importantly, when you are lowering the walls, show who you are, and I mean all of you.  Even the messy and broken parts. And then, see who stays. Those are your people. Hold on to them like hell. 

So, to my whiskey girls, not everyone is going to get it; not everyone is going to get you. And that’s okay because I wouldn’t take you any other way. And I hope one day you feel that way about yourself, too.

Aries

Slowing down will not prevent you from getting to your destination, rather it will simply make the journey a little more enlightening. Remember to take the time to notice each tree, not just the forest. Each one has a lesson to share, listen for it.

Taurus

It’s great to be so incredibly sure about what it is you believe, but sometimes there is magic in being mistaken and being proven wrong. Remember to embrace those moments. Broken hearts are merely redirections and sometimes not getting what you thought you always needed is a blessing in disguise.

Gemini

You have time to do everything you’re meant to do, so stop trying to do it all at once. Take a moment to step back and tackle life as it comes. You don’t need to have it all figured out right now, just this moment.

Cancer

Remember to be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else. Talk to yourself like your own best friend and you will never be steered wrong.

Leo

Continue to learn what you deserve and honor what you want out of this life. Try your best not to be swayed by the opinions of others. While there is always value in listening to someone else’s point of view, you really know what’s best for yourself. Trust your heart.

Virgo

Being perfect is not a requirement for living a fulfilled life, just a really fucking boring one. Give yourself space to be messy and chaotic every now and again. It will do you some good, trust me.

Libra

Your calming presence attracts many people into your life. Your gentle and harmonious nature is addictive in a way. However, be sure to take care of yourself, too. While you do a great job of tending to everyone else’s problems, remember your own, too.

Scorpio

The world is not always going to burn you. People are not always going to hurt you. You have seen what happens when love and trust are betrayed, and you remember the painful letdown all too well. However, there are people in your life (or who will come into your life) who will not leave you emotionally drained. They will inspire you to tear your walls down instead of finding another reason to build them higher. Never let those people go.

Sagittarius

You are a bit chaotic, but that’s simply because you have a passion for life that is unrivaled by anyone else. You live hard and fully and that is something to be admired. Your heart is always in the right place, even if your execution sometimes falls a little short. There is pride to be had in always trying to do the right thing in your own way; keep being yourself. The world will understand.

Capricorn

The other shoe isn’t always going to drop, Capricorn. There is so much joy to be had in this life only if you would let it in. Let your guard down and accept that disappointment might happen. And you know what? You’ll get through it if it does. You have before. And besides, so much good might happen too. Closing yourself off prevents you from experiencing that. I promise that living fully is worth the risk.

Aquarius

Your feelings matter. Your words matter. You matter! Let yourself and your emotions be heard. Yes, it’s vulnerable and there is always a chance someone might not get it. However, owning what you feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It takes strength to acknowledge it all; and you have the power to do so.

Pisces

Keep dreaming and striving for the reality you know could be yours. Some say you have your head in the clouds, and that might be true. But that’s a lot better than never wanting anything at all. There’s so much beauty in your longing, Pisces. Never lose sight of that part of yourself.

There are certain people who enter our orbits and make us forget what life was like before them. You’re probably thinking of some of them right now, those humans who change us for the better and ignite something within us that is impossible to quiet. They just get us, and we get them. We can’t imagine a future without them and we sure as hell don’t want to. The chemistry is undeniable. The connection is there.

And oftentimes, these are the people we fall in love with. 

We fall in love with their coffee-stains for eyes, the sound of their laugh, the way they look when they’re trying to figure something out. We fall in love with the idea of what we could be to them, the future we’re so positive they’re going to play a big part in. We fall in love with them in the little moments just before the sun sneaks through the blinds first thing in the morning, when they’re laying next to you and everything just feels slow. When everything feels okay.

But sometimes, these Big Loves, don’t last. In fact, I’d say a lot of the time they don’t. Because flames of that magnitude tend to burn themselves out. It all becomes too much, too there, too intense. And there isn’t a single moment when these Big Loves are snuffed out. It sort of just happens gradually.

We fall in love in the little moments, and we fall out of love in the same way.

And it will knock the fucking wind out of you once the final blow is delivered. 

And when this happens, when love leaves, I need you to remember one thing:

You were someone before them.

Yes, you were. Don’t you remember?

You laughed before that corner booth you shared at midnight that one Saturday night. You mattered before they told you how much you meant to them. You had value before they turned to you for the first time for support. You loved before them. You were a friend before them. You were a son or daughter before them. You were inspired before them. You breathed before them. You were yourself long before you learned their name or how they take their coffee or their favorite stores or the song that makes their eyes light up like the Fourth of July.

And most importantly, you are still someone after them. 

This isn’t it for you. The defining moments and people and places don’t always have to last to make a lasting impression. Sometimes, their brevity makes them matter more.

So please know that it’s okay you loved so deeply for it to turn to ashes. That doesn’t make it less real.

So as you move forward and heal and let them go, remember what they taught you, but also remember who you were before them. They do not define you.

You do. 

You were someone before them. Never forget that.

If you’re a twin, you will inevitably get asked a lot of stupid questions once someone figures out you shared a womb with another human. Despite what they told you in elementary school, there is definitely such thing as a stupid question and if you’re a twin, you know that better than anyone because you’re asked stupid questions all the fucking time!!!!

But fret not, my fellow twinner. Here are seven smartass answers to the seven most common questions you will get asked if you’re a twin. Because if you’re going to have to deal with stupid people, you might as well have fun with it.

1. “Do you know what your twin is thinking right THIS SECOND?”

“Yes, I do! They are thinking how you should shut up and stop bothering me.”

2. “If I hit you, will it hurt them?”

“Well, if I were to hit you, would it make you smarter? The answer is no. No, it wouldn’t. And the answer to your question is also no.”

3. “Oh my god, so you know the Olsen twins??!?!”

This question doesn’t even deserve an answer. Just stare at them like this until they go away:

4. (For identical twins): “Do your parents always get you guys confused?”

“Yes, my parents regularly forget what my sibling and I look like.”

5. (For fraternal twins): “If you’re really twins, how come you don’t look alike?”

“Well, if you really passed 8th grade, how come you just asked me that?”

6. “Oh my God, so you and your twin are like best friends, right?”

“No, we hate each other.” *proceed to start sobbing uncontrollably*

(Note: The delivery will be important for this one. The point is to make them feel very awkward about asking.)

7. “Omg do you guys have the same birthday?”

“Wow, you’re like a detective! It’s almost like that’s what the definition of a twin is or something.”

Instagram is the fucking worst when you’re in your 20s.

Yes, intellectually we are aware that our feed is not a complete picture of everyone’s lives. We know that everyone is just posting the highlight reel, the best parts of their everyday lives. We know that because we do it, too.

But when your best is getting a really good batch of eggs and bottomless mimosas for brunch and someone else’s best is getting married to the love of their life or buying their first home, it’s impossible to not kind of feel a little like shit.

It’s hard not to feel left behind.

And let’s also not forget the constant commentary from older generations about how millennials are The Worst. That we’re entitled, lazy, and are totally off track to adulthood because so many of us are in no rush to settle down. That less of us are investing in real estate and getting married than ever before.

While these milestones are absolutely markers of success and adulthood for some and completely lovely and exciting times in many people’s lives, why does this have to be all there is to say we’ve “made it” as adults?

We’re all in a rush to prove ourselves as functioning members of society by showing how “adult” we really are with refurnished living rooms, beautiful wedding photos, and freshly printed business cards. We’re all trapped in this constant comparison trap that is fueled by our belief that we aren’t really adults until we reach milestones x, y, and z.

And honestly, that’s bullshit. Because there’s way more to being an adult than paying a mortgage and getting engaged.

Maybe being an adult is breaking up with someone, even though you were totally convinced they were the love of your life because you realized that love is not always enough to make a relationship work.

Maybe being an adult is realizing that maybe marriage isn’t meant for you and your partner at all and that it’s not a failure or a lack of commitment to your relationship that you don’t have a diamond ring to signify it.

Maybe being an adult is recognizing you need to quit the job that looks great on social media or on your resume but is slowing tearing you apart in order to find one that is healthier for you, even if that means the prestige or status is gone.

Maybe being an adult is putting together a spreadsheet to pay off your debt before you even think about looking for a home or going on that vacation or even buying that new pair of shoes.

Maybe being an adult is knowing that life is really fucking hard and it’s never going to look the way you thought it would. Maybe being an adult is being at peace with all of that.

I don’t know.

There is still so much growing up I have to do. I have enough self-awareness to know that there are so many questions I do not have answers to, there are still so many things I can’t do without Google, and there is so much I still have to experience. There are so many things I should probably know by now and all that. I still call my parents for advice and the possibility of buying a house or getting married are nowhere close to where I am at right now.

But I’m still an adult even if I am single AF and have no plans or ability to purchase a home in the near future. I’m still an adult even though I’m only at the beginning of my career. I’m still an adult even though I feel lost and unsure most days.

Because the truth is, I’m doing just fine. And so are you.

We all are.

Life throws us unforeseen obstacles all the time. Often, these trials are really opportunities for growth, testing our limits and helping us become who we are meant to be: Stronger, better, and more self-actualized, or whatever.

For me, it was falling in love with a celebrity who I will literally never meet and then finding out he got engaged to someone way richer, hotter, talented, famous, and important than me. And now everyone is obsessed with him, too!!!

Of course, by now you know I’m talking about Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. And this is me finally shipping the fuck out of them.

(Note: I even followed Grande on Instagram today. Yes, I am growing as a person. Ty for noticing.) 

I mean, look at them!!! They look like they make literally no sense together!!!!!

She is so small and tiny and cute and has a voice, eyeliner, and ponytail that defy gravity. She is also almost always wearing animal ears, which I am now seeing is actually adorable as hell. I was a hater for a long time, but Kendra told me she has an impressive vocal range and is a feminist, so I guess I kinda like her now.

Davidson, on the other hand, is her opposite. He is tall and lanky. He is a #sadboy whose smile could kick my daily need for 40 mg of Prozac. He is mysterious (recently, he deleted all his Instagram posts) and he makes dark shit funny. He also really likes colorful clothes.

To sum him up even better than I ever could, here is a tweet that makes me understand all my attraction:

“All The Small Things” he is not, though. He has BDE and is like six-foot-three. That is a tall glass of water, my friends. And mama thirsty.

Anyway, I digress. My love for Davidson is not the point of this bizarre thinkpiece!

Basically, when the couple started dating, I was so not for it. In fact, I have never been less for something in my entire life. And I have many opinions on lots of things that don’t matter, but this one truly took the cake.

But then, as they posted more and more pics on Instagram and they got more and more press, my disdain turned into curiosity which later transformed into genuine affection for the two. They are actually pretty damn cute together.

Today, Grande released her new album Sweetener and one of the tracks is literally titled “pete davidson.” This week, GQ also published a profile of Davidson where he lovingly spoke about his fiancée and how grateful he is for her. The two are clearly pretty into each other and maybe love isn’t dead after all.

So, in conclusion: God is a woman, Ariana is super hot, and Pete is a lucky dude. My blessings that no one gives a fuck about have been granted.

As you probably already know, Mercury is in retrograde until August 19th.

DUN, DUNNN, DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

During this time, things tend to go to shit for a lot of people. I’m not exactly sure the astrological reason for this, but ya know, that doesn’t mean I can’t use it as an excuse for all my problems rather than trying to fix my own life!

For example, see the following list of totally mendable areas in my life that I’m going to completely ignore and instead attribute to the stars. Join me as I share all the ways my life is currently falling apart and how it’s totally not my fault, like, at all.

1. My abysmal bank account.

$65 I don’t have spent at Sephora? #MercuryRetrogradeMadeMeDoIt

Went over grocery budget? #Mercury #Retrograde

Hoping my debit card goes through every time I swipe it? MERCURYYYYYY!!!!!!

2. My inability to say no to spaghetti/French fries/wine/tequila shots/generally anything that’s a bad idea for my peace of mind.

What is self-control? Nothing when the forces of Mercury are going apeshit, amirite? Now that that’s out of the way, pass the Jose with a side of regret and lime, please! While I’m at it, I’ll text that dude I was SoOOoooo over last week and see how his day is going!!! Hehe, I’m so random.

3. Repeatedly getting involved with men who it will literally never work with.

Completely and utterly uninterested? Emotionally unavailable? Pete Davidson? Sign me the fuck up. Love to see it. Here for it.

4. Putting together a nightstand incorrectly even though I had directions and there were only like five parts.

I put the legs on the wrong side of the base, so now the top of the nightstand is just sitting on top and I’m just hoping it stays put. So far, it’s only fallen off once. If I only hadn’t put it together during retrograde, I wouldn’t have rushed and it would be nice and secure.

A visual for your reference:

5. Overreacting to pretty much everything.

I love this song.

You can live a life full of love without a partner. I know this because my grandma did it. Long story short, right before my mom was born, my grandpa left and my grandmother never remarried.

In the 1960’s this was considered a near tragedy, especially if you were a woman and especially if you were Catholic, too. It was socially taboo then. No one got divorced; if you did get divorced, you were back on the dating scene as soon as possible so you could find someone new. My grandma Thelma was a single mom before the term was even coined because it just didn’t happen. 

But to her, it did happen. And she made do. 

While raising my mom and my two aunts, she taught at Detroit Public Schools as a second-grade teacher while simultaneously attending Wayne State University to earn her Masters in the evenings. Her mother/my great-grandmother, Mimi, also helped out tremendously, taking care of the three girls while my grandma worked or was at class.

One thing I heard repeatedly growing up from people when they heard my grandma’s story, though, was how unfortunate it was that she never remarried.

“Your poor grandma never remarried,” they’d say. “Could you imagine raising three young girls by yourself?”

I definitely couldn’t. And while there is no way in hell that this was easy for my grandma, my aunts, and my mom, I also think this isn’t the right way to look at an extremely difficult situation. I know these comments are well-meaning, but the fact of the matter is this:

My grandma has a life full of love and she definitely didn’t need a husband to achieve this.

After all, she found love in travel. She has been to Egypt and England and Canada and Germany and many other parts of the globe most people will never see.

She found love in her career. She retired from Warren Public Schools in her 60s and still can tell you what every kid she taught was like. She remembers the little things about a person, always observing the tiniest details that make someone who they are. When she looks at you, you can be assured that she is actually seeing you.

She found love in baseball. She knows more about the Detroit Tigers than anyone I know.

She has found love in her daughters. She has found love in her grandkids. We all know how lucky we are to have someone like her in our lives and we do not take her for granted. She gets so excited to see us and to have someone love you that much is something I know we will all always cherish.

She has found love in her friends. Henrietta, the two Johns, Aunt Maryann, Carole, and Mary, just to name a few. While some of them are no longer with her, she carries them with her in the stories she can tell and in her heart. She loved them like hell and they loved her right back. That kind of love and connection never really leaves you.

She finds love at grocery stores when she befriends the cashier Joy or at her gym where she still exercises almost daily. She finds love in the books she reads and public libraries and all of the family dogs we’ve had through the years. She finds love in volunteering at the hospital. She finds love in finally getting a hot cup of coffee. She finds love in finding the perfect shade of red lipstick.

She finds love in every part of her life and she is bursting with it. You can’t help but feel more alive just by being in her presence.

Today, my grandma turns 90 and when I think of her, I think of everything she has done, everything that she is, and everything that she has yet to do. Her being unmarried is not one of the things I think of, however. In no way does it define her. I don’t think she lived less of a life because she never got married again. In fact, I think she lived more of one.

If you’re single and worried about never finding someone, know that I’ve been there too. But the truth is that some of us aren’t going to be married or have our marriage last or lose our partners for any reason. Some of us are going to end up being single. Some of us aren’t meant to find romance and I think that’s okay.

Actually, I know it’s okay. After all, my grandma is living proof.

Happy birthday, Grandma.

Aries

At the door/front of lawn not letting anyone in until they’ve done a successful beer bong. Day drinking is serious business and an Aries knows this well.

Taurus

You’ll find them dominating the beer pong table. They play to win and talk serious shit.

Gemini

Can’t decide what to drink so they just kind of drink everything. Will be found near the bar.

Cancer

Making new friends in the bathroom line.

Leo

Dancing on the table.

Virgo

Teaching everyone the proper form for doing a jello shot.

Libra

Laughing at and judging all the drunk fucks.

Scorpio

Texting their crush “u up” at 11 a.m. at the back of the party.

Sagittarius

Wherever the trouble is.

Capricorn

Shocking everyone by doing the best keg stand.

Aquarius

The only one drinking craft beer. Will be found enjoying it on a lawn chair away from everyone else.

Pisces

Idk crying somewhere.

Hello! It me. The girl you might have actually liked but I never found out if you actually did because I thought you did so I immediately believed something was wrong with you for being into me and therefore lost any and all interest! Also, the challenge was gone and therefore I found you very boring.

Anyway, enough small talk; wassup?! How’ve you been? How’s your mom? She and I never met but we could have had I actually decided to pursue things and let you take me on a date! Who knows! Not me. Or you, evidently. Oh well.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s because my life is beginning to feel like a breathing Adele song from the album 21 when she was all sad and single and stuff. (How do you set fire to the rain? IT IS WET!) Or maybe it’s because I’m genuinely considering auditioning for The Bachelor. (What up, Blake? Just moved to Denver! Becca may have made the wrong choice, BUT I WON’T.) Or maybe it’s because Pete Davidson is legit engaged and in love and shit. (I loved you first.) Probably a combination of the three. But I digress. I think (?) the point is this:

Lol sry I suck! I hope you’re doing good and have a job and stuff and love and emotional stability and some money in your savings and at least one piece of adult furniture. Or at least one of those things. Idk. Whatever makes you happy. Happiness is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” Do you think I’m deep yet?

Anyway.

I’ll end with this: All the best, and please say hi to Linda.

(That was your mom’s name, right? I just made that up, it just sounds like a mom’s name.)