“I only smoke cigarettes when I’m really drunk,” I declare to you at 10:30 p.m. on a Sunday night as I grab yours from your hand. You smirk. I take one tiny drag and start choking.

(Not the most graceful smoker, I guess. This translates to who I am as a person as well.)

Lately, I’ve been finding myself hanging out in your apartment trying not to feel anything at all. Nothing happens between us, not anymore. We have a connection, but it’s not love. (Your words, not mine.) Although it’s fading for me. It’s more of a dull ache now. Tolerable. Waning.

I’ve never been one to chase what’s good for me. I find it boring. There’s a lack of a challenge. I haven’t earned it.

The ephemeral tempts me. There’s something so seductive about something I can’t have. I just need a taste. I need to know what I’m missing. I’m intoxicated by anything that shows a lack of promise. It’s familiar. It’s safe. It hurts.

(What I really think it is, though, is that I just don’t know how to be loved back.)

***

“I can drink tequila now,” I tell a group of old friends from another life. You’re there, too. Tequila used to not mix well with me. It never ended well. So of course, I was determined to win it over.

(The trick is to not think about it too much when you’re taking the shot. Do it quickly. It’ll be over before you know it.)

You tell me you’ve been drinking more tequila too. Our friend found some really smooth shit that goes down like water. You can’t remember what it’s called. I’ll just have to come try it sometime.

***

There’s nothing to lose if nothing was ever going to happen. This is what I tell myself when it’s 3:00 a.m. and your lips taste like smoke. My own move against yours quickly. I’m not thinking about tomorrow morning. I’m not picturing a future. I’m not pretending this is anything that it’s not. I’m only kissing you like I’m begging you to stay right here, right now.

(It’s still over before I know it.) 

Anyone who knows me knows that I love pasta, being right, dogs, a nice summer’s day, being right, and Pete Davidson. I also may have written an article asking him to leave his girlfriend and love me instead but I was kidding sort of.

Last week when he confirmed his split from goddess Cazzie David, I was actually sad. Sure, I saw my shot but was also genuinely bummed out. He has referred to David as the “most beautiful girl in the world” and stuff so I thought that was going well, you know? That maybe love isn’t dead!!!

Anyway.

Even though it’s only been like a fucking week, it’s already been rumored that he’s seeing superstar songstress Ariana Grande. It’s #casual apparently, but today while perusing Instagram I saw THIS:

AND THEN THIS:

Listen, I don’t know what  means but I think it means something like relationship-y. AKA MAYBE NOT SO CASUAL. Aka I’m dead now. Ariana may have no tears left to cry, but I sure as hell do. I guess I can just go back to crushing on other unavailable men like George Clooney and Mr. Clean.

Time will tell if this casual relationship turns more serious. Or maybe Ariana will just host SNL more often. Who knows.

If you need me, I’ll be over here accepting that Pete Davidson will literally never leave any girlfriend for me.

#boybye

Aries

Crazy.

Taurus

Patient.

Gemini

Communicative.

Cancer

Loving.

Leo

Honest.

Virgo

Detail-oriented.

Libra

Helpful.

Scorpio

Protective.

Sagittarius

Funny.

Capricorn

Kind.

Aquarius

Weird.

Pisces

Sensitive.

1. They often spend too much time on the wrong people because they always see the best in everyone, even if it comes at the cost of their own well-being.

Highly sensitive extroverts are incredibly empathetic. They are understanding and sensitive to anything anyone else might be going through. They can make excuses for just about anyone, even when it comes at the cost of their own well-being. They put their own needs and wants aside in relationships, convincing themselves they’re fine with behavior and values that are actually totally NOT okay with. This causes a highly sensitive extrovert to spend their time on a lot of the wrong people, preventing them from finding a right love.

2. It takes a lot of time for the highly sensitive extrovert to bounce back after heartbreak.

Highly sensitive extroverts feel everything very, very deeply. Heartbreak tends to find a home in their bones and stays much longer than it does for the average human being because the pain tends to be felt in a much more intense way. They remember every hurt in every cavity of their heart as if it just happened, even if it’s been months or even years. This causes a highly sensitive extrovert to avoid seeking out new love and relationships because they remember how badly it hurt when it ended the last time.

3. Sometimes, highly sensitive extroverts move a little too fast and can come on a little too strong.

When a highly sensitive extrovert falls, they fall quickly and completely. Since they feel everything so very deeply, when a new love is blooming, it can just feel so damn good for them they just can’t get enough of whoever they’re falling for. This can cause the highly sensitive extrovert to come on a little too strong or have a new relationship move a little too fast, causing it to fizzle out before its flame can even ignite.

4. They’re afraid of getting hurt, so often will not put themselves out there at all.

Since they know how heartbreak can affect them, as well as their propensity for coming on a little too intensely, often highly sensitive extroverts will avoid dating and relationships altogether. The possibility of heartbreak is a deterrent enough for them to keep their hearts isolated and their walls high.

5. They literally do not understand the rules of modern dating.

What are a Tinder?

Do you swipe left or right if you like someone?

Why can’t I text back right away if I read the text?

What do you mean I can’t act interested even though I’m interested?!?!  

These are just a few thoughts that may run through the highly sensitive extrovert’s brain when attempting to navigate the world of modern dating. It all just seems so silly to them. They very much operate from the mindset that if you like someone, you act like it. All the rules of the game of modern love they’d rather do without.

6. They tend to put your own needs second out of their intense need to be well-liked, especially in romantic relationships.

They’ll do anything for their partner, even if that means burning themselves out. They start neglecting their own wants and needs and goals because they can sometimes lose their identities in their partners. This dynamic, of course, does not lead to a sustainable relationship. It can make one partner feel smothered, one resentful, and ultimately it’s unhealthy for both parties. Until the highly sensitive person can be content on their own, they will continue to run into this kind of relationship.

7. They gravitate towards people who they want to “save.”

Being highly empathetic, the highly sensitive extrovert can sense when someone is struggling very quickly. They also get a high sense of purpose in feeling needed. Put those two qualities together and you can see how this can become part of the highly sensitive extrovert’s persona. They have a truly difficult time understanding that you cannot save people, you can only love them, and until they figure this out, true love will be difficult for them to find.

Aries

Impulsive actions may feel good in the moment, but long-term consequences usually don’t make these rash decisions worth it, Aries. Hasty choices can cost you relationships, damage your career, and also wreak havoc on your self-respect. This June, take your time in all that you do. Learn to slow the fuck down and listen to both your heart and your mind. There is wisdom within both of these entities, and finding the balance between the two will lead you to success, or at least peace of mind.

Taurus

Ah, Taurus. As an Earth sign, you like to stay grounded. In June, half the planets will be moving backward and shit is about to get mixed up and interrupted and your affinity for being stubborn will not work in your favor. Flexibility has never been your strong suit. Anyone who spends five minutes with you know this. This month, however, you better be willing to bend a little, because resistance will only be a futile attempt to change the inevitable. Allow what will be to be and enjoy the bumpy ride.

Gemini

The majority of this month is Gemini season, baby! Buckle up, bitches, because things are about to get very interesting for you and anyone who enters your orbit. Be sure to be very mindful who you spend your time with this month, Gemini. Who you surround yourself with is who you are, after all. You can be a little inconsistent about your feelings towards others, and this June it’s time to get that shit under control. No one likes a two-face. Figure out who you actually like, who you can do without, and stick to those standards. Spending time with the wrong people can turn disastrous for you this month. Be careful.

Cancer

Stop expecting everyone to just know what it is you’re thinking or that they know exactly what it is you need. None of us are fucking mindreaders, Cancer. We’re all operating from our own experiences, our own expectations, our own viewpoints, including you. Use your damn words this month and articulate what you want from your partner, your friends, your family, etc. Stop being so afraid of conflict or even just the uncomfortable; growth can often arise from a shift in the way things are done, after all.

Leo

Not everything can go your way all the damn time, Leo. Sorry, but it’s true. You have a tendency to be a little overbearing (fifth sign of the Zodiac probs), and your bossiness is starting to push people away. In June, work on being more willing to listen to others’ points of view. The people in your life have some good shit to say and being too fixated on your own opinions will be detrimental to your growth and potential. Shut up and listen; you could learn something you really need to hear this month, Leo.

Virgo

You aren’t fucking perfect; no one is fucking perfect. That’s just life. Stop treating people like projects and understand that you can support the people in your life, but you can’t make them into something that they aren’t. Everyone has their limitations, including you. Instead try and love people as they are, flaws and all. It’ll bring you a lot more peace, trust me.

Libra

Relationships aren’t 50/50, stop expecting them to be. Sometimes, you’re going to need more from the people in your life and sometimes people are gonna need more from you. We’re all on different paths in this life, and sometimes one’s road will be rockier than the other person’s. Stop being impatient or wrapped up in the injustice of one person sometimes dominating a conversation or needing more support than you’re asking from them. Because, one day, it’s going to be you on the other side.

Scorpio

You can be a little possessive, can’t you, Scorpio? Knock it off. Everyone is their own person and you can’t control anyone else, even if you want to. Let your friends make mistakes without demonizing them because they didn’t listen to your advice, let your partner have their own life, and stop expecting everything to be a certain way. Life is constantly changing, things evolve, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So embrace it.

Sagittarius

Would you chill the hell out, dude? Your proclivity for being reckless isn’t going to work in your favor this month (just like it hasn’t ever in your entire fucking life). As it’s been said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; why keep making all of these rash decisions if you know it’s never come full circle before? Take a deep breath, slow down, learn to think things through, and watch your life improve. Yes, it’ll be less exciting, less ~dangerous~ But that’s okay. Your life doesn’t have to be a shitshow to be enjoyed.

Capricorn

Let it fucking go. Whatever it is you’re hanging onto. Whether that’s unkind words said by a friend, a breakup, an almost relationship ending, not getting that promotion, whatever. LET. IT. GO. Hanging onto the past will only lead to skinned knees, a bruised ego, and a tired heart. You have much better use of your energy, so redistribute that shit and lean into the freefall that is moving on.

Aquarius

Let your damn guard down already. People can hurt you, life is scary, and emotions are hard. But so fucking what? It’s part of being a human. Living your life half-assed by refusing to feel what lives in your heart is not only a cheap way to lead your life, it’s also cowardly. Learn to speak up when you’re hurt, tell someone when you love them, and let your voice be heard. Your thoughts and feelings hold value, so speak the hell up.

Pisces

Learn to depend on yourself more. Stop clinging to everyone else for validation and learn to do it for damn yourself. You’re allowed to feel good about yourself without someone else’s approval, you know. You don’t need everyone to like you either. Stop chasing people who don’t want to be chased, respect that they aren’t interested, and love yourself anyway. It’ll be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

It all went down before I realized what it was that was happening. I guess I would have stopped it, had I known better, had I been aware of the damage it would cause for me, for him, for us. Or maybe I wouldn’t have. I don’t know.

All I do know is that I became his placeholder and I will never put myself in that position again.

Because it hurts like fucking hell when it’s all over. 

For anyone who has been in this dynamic, you know what it’s like. You feel so stupid when it ends. Naive. Pathetic. When he’s finally gone, you realize you poured your heart into someone who would never think it was good enough, who would always be glancing away and looking for something better, for someone better. And deep down, you always knew something was off and that you were merely on borrowed time, renting space until your lease in his life was up and you were forced to move on.

And yet, you still tried. And that’s the worst part, how fucking hard you tried to make it work, to convince him you were worth loving. You were there for him through his darkness. You reminded him that things would be okay for him. You loved him and held him and kissed him and hoped that these things were all the sign of a future.

You thought with time maybe he would find something about you that he couldn’t lose.

But that never happened because in the end he lost all of you and it didn’t hurt him the way it destroyed you. 

To be clear, he did care about you. He liked you. But just not enough to commit to you. And this also doesn’t make him a bad guy.

People can’t help how they feel. Not him. Not You. Not Anyone.

***

After whatever he and I were or had ended, I began to pick apart all the reasons he may not have wanted me. It became this toxic investigation into all my faults and imperfections and shortcomings. I constantly wished I could be different, better. I revisited old text threads, thought about old conversations, obsessed over things I wish I hadn’t said (or had said). But mostly, I just thought about how I wasn’t enough, how I was never enough, and his lack of commitment was proof of that indictment.

The reality is, though, he didn’t make me feel this way. To be honest, I’ve always felt this way. He didn’t plant that seed; it’s been a full grown fucking forest in my mind since I before I can remember and him loving me wouldn’t be enough to tear those trees down.

And this is the ugly truth about being the placeholder girl: it doesn’t really have anything to do with him; it has everything to do with you.

You lied to yourself by saying you were fine with the arrangement you guys had going. You chased after someone you know you could never catch. You ignored the red flags, the warning signs. You made the excuses for him.

This is the hardest pill to swallow, realizing that you broke your own heart by continuing to pursue something that you knew deep down would never be. It’s a difficult lesson to learn the hard way, but once you do, you don’t need to learn it again. 

I know I won’t have to, because I’ll never be someone’s placeholder girl again. 

1. Appreciation for the fact that we all move through this world differently. Everyone has different factors playing into the way this planet will treat them and the way they’ll experience their lives. Be willing to listen to others who may have a different vantage point than you. Learn from them.

2. An understanding that traveling doesn’t necessarily make you a better person. You don’t have to shell out major cash on a vacation in order to be a more well-rounded person. Read a book you’d never consider reading before from your local library, learn a new language, research (and understand!) your country’s political system, volunteer, etc. There is definitely value in getting out of your space to shake up your perspective, but it’s not the only route.

3. Faith in your ability to survive, despite people leaving. Because people will leave. Sometimes in painful ways, sometimes because you simply grow apart. That’s just how life works. Whatever the circumstance, you need to believe that you can be okay without them and that another’s presence will never define you. It’s okay to grieve, be sad, angry, etc., but ultimately learning to let go gracefully will be one of the best things you do for yourself.

4. A few well-loved books to reread during difficult times. Because sometimes there’s nothing better than curling up with an old favorite.

5. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can choose how you react to it. Shit happens and learning to be emotionally resilient is something you absolutely deserve to learn by the time you turn 26.

6. There is no substitute for hard work. Don’t be afraid to work your ass off, be that for your career, your health, your wellness, your relationships, etc. You’ll become more disciplined and stronger this way.

7. But there’s also no substitute for taking time for you. It’s okay to unplug. It’s okay to take breaks to stretch your legs. It’s okay to spend to take a weekend off to regroup. The office won’t burn down. Your emails will get answered. You can get healthier. Your friends will still be there if you need some time alone. So take a second, and breathe.

8. Your parents are getting older. And are only going to age more. Spend time with them.

9. Hangovers are only going to get worse. It’s true when they say hangovers get more hellish the older you get. Sorry.

10. What a healthy relationship looks like. No more chasing those who don’t want to be caught, no more saying you’re okay with behavior you’re not okay with, no more depending too much on someone else and vice versa.

11. Accepting that it’s okay to not be where you want to be. In fact, it’s a good thing! Think of it this way: life would be a hell of a lot more boring if you were always where you thought you should be, never having any goals or things to strive for.

12. An ability to want to evolve but to also be loving to who you are now. You can appreciate where you’re starting from and love who that person is while still aiming for self-improvement. You don’t have to change out of self-hatred. Because you couldn’t become the person you want to be without having to be the person you were before that first.

13. How to listen without just waiting for your turn to respond and/or talk. This will be one of the best things you do for your relationships, yourself, and this world.

14. How to disagree with your friends while still supporting them. Your friends are going to date people you don’t like, make choices you don’t necessarily agree with, and live their lives in their own way no matter what you think or say. Unless it’s truly detrimental to their well-being, love them and support them anyway.

15. How to put the phone down and be present. Instagram can wait. This moment can’t.

16. Your weaknesses. You’re not perfect. You’re human. It’s okay to have weaknesses and shortcomings. Knowing what these are will actually help diminish their effects, so being aware of what is difficult for you will only help you, not hurt you.

17. Your strengths. Self-awareness goes beyond your weaknesses, too! Know what you’re good at. Know where you excel. Know your strong points. And then use those to your advantage.

18. The truth that only you can save yourself. No one or nothing else.

19. Waiting for someone to love you back is not romantic, it’s self-destruction. It’s not going to turn out the way you hoped it would. Let them go.

20. Love isn’t everything. It’s a huge part of life, but a relationship will never truly define you. It’s okay to want companionship, but it’s toxic to think another person will make your life complete. A solid partnership will add to your life, not make it whole.

21. Your standards. By now, you should have a clear understanding of what you want, what you don’t want, what you’ll tolerate, and what you can do without.

22. The art of choosing your battles. Not everything needs to be acted on or acknowledged. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the energy.

23. Some years will be harder than others. It’s the insights that you take away from those hard times that will make them worth it.

24. You don’t have to love yourself perfectly before someone else will love you. Love yourself first is shitty advice because it’s a lifelong journey. If we all had to love ourselves perfectly before someone else could, then we’d all be alone forever.

25. People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. They’re mostly thinking about themselves, just as you’re mostly thinking about you. So don’t worry about that silly thing you said or did, most people will forget.

26. Peace with the fact that life is never going to look the way you thought it would. Live it anyway.

1. The way the sun peeks through the trees just before sunset.

2. A passage in literature that speaks to you in a way no one else ever has.

3. Your career.

4. A new city you were so enchanted by you didn’t notice the time pass at all.

5. A good cup of coffee at a small cafe on a rainy day.

6. The first warm day of the year.

7. A line in poetry that invited you to view something in a way you never considered before.

8. Painting with watercolors even if you suck at it.

9. A moment in time that was so invigorating you had to pause for a second just to take it all in.

10. Falling asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.

11. A warm breeze after a very long winter.

12. The sweet relief that is born from realizing that everything truly is as it should be.

13. A language different than your own.

14. A song that stirs something deep within you.

15. A feeling that you cannot describe in any other way except as “alive.”

16. The first moments of a concert when the lights begin to dim and the excitement in everyone’s hearts seem to beat in unison as the guitars finally start to play.

17. Yoga.

18. Anything that sucks you in and makes you happy.

19. Calligraphy.

20. Surrendering to the lack of control that is your life.

21. A pet.

22. A good cry.

23. The way the trees change colors in the autumn.

24. A memory.

25. Something that requires a lot of upkeep, like a motorcycle or an old jeep. Become enchanted by the process of caring for something only to have it fall apart and have to put it back together again.

26. Being by the water.

27. Decorating your space that is a reflection of no one other than yourself.

28. Dancing alone.

29. Art.

30. Hiking.

31. Cooking new recipes.

32. The sun resting on your skin first thing in the morning.

33. A film that made you feel less alone and more understood.

34. Writing.

35. Your life.

Aries

You’re a shitty adult because you spend all your money on tequila and Ubers home.

Taurus

You’re a shitty adult because you refuse to take any advice whatsoever.

Gemini

You’re a shitty adult because you won’t commit to anything.

Cancer

You’re a shitty adult because you feel insecure about literally everything.

Leo

You’re a shitty adult because you’re so focused on how perfect you are you forget about personal growth.

Virgo

You’re actually a good adult, this post has nothing to do with you.

Libra

You’re a shitty adult because you expect life to be fair.

Scorpio

You’re a shitty adult because you’re passive aggressive AF.

Sagittarius

You’re a shitty adult because you pretty much take nothing seriously.

Capricorn

You’re a shitty adult because you still don’t know how to do your taxes without your dad.

AQUARIUS

You’re a shitty adult because you avoid going to the doctor.

Pisces

You’re a shitty adult because you get overwhelmed by simple tasks and just end up crying.

1. Jot down a list of five things you love about yourself.

2. Read that book you bought six months ago but never got around to reading.

3. Get really fucking good at yoga.

4. Take a drive while blasting your guilty pleasure music.

5. Make a dish you’ve never cooked before.

6. Call your parents.

7. Become the best version of yourself, for yourself.

8. Remember where you were a year ago and write down all the ways you’ve grown since then.

9. Create a five-year plan, complete with every tiny detail of how you’re going to reach those goals.

10. Breathe in deeply. Breathe out completely.

11. Buy two disposable cameras and call a few friends and spend the afternoon using up the film.

12. Plan your dream vacation: where’d you go, where you’d stay, your ideal budget, who you would want to come, etc. Then make it happen.

13. Go for a long walk, without headphones, without your phone, and just become one with nature.

14. Find your new favorite podcast. Set notifications on your phone for new episodes.

15. Clean and rearrange your room. Wash your sheets, dust, reorganize your closet, even get a few new pieces of decor. Make your room a space that is a representation of you, and no one else.

16. Become a hardcore bullet journaler. Get the fancy pens, the nice Moleskin, and map out your life.

17. Write your best friend a letter telling them how much you love and appreciate them. Or just text them if that’s not your thing. Whatever works.

18. Get in the best shape of your life.

19. Watch a documentary on Netflix that inspires you to think about life in a way you would have never considered before.

20. Volunteer for a cause you’re super passionate about.

21. Take a long shower.

22. Color. Seriously, it’s not just for kids. It’s great for stress relief.

23. Find out when a band you love is coming to town next and figure out a way to get to that concert.

24. Write down a list of things you want to improve about yourself. Realize that self-love means being willing to invite growth into your life, even if it hurts a little.

25. Draw with charcoal.

26. Do a crossword.

27. Watch a foreign film.

28. Learn a new language. Get a friend to do it with you so you guys can have conversations.

29. Laugh loudly.

30. Go out and try and meet someone in person. Strike up a conversation with a stranger you think is cute and see what happens. The worst thing that can happen is they’re uninterested and you move on to the next.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are you’ve heard about the brutal murder of Nicole Brown Simpson. You know, that infamous O.J. Simpson case. 

But in case you needed a refresher:

On June 12, 1994, sometime before midnight, Nicole Brown Simpson, 34, and Ronald Lyle Goldman, 26, were killed, dead from multiple stab wounds. They were found the following morning outside of Brown Simpson’s Brentwood condominium. The first suspect was ex-husband O.J. Simpson, who had flown to Chicago hours earlier. After receiving a phone call of the news, he took a flight back to L.A., where police met him at his house and he was handcuffed. He is questioned by the LAPD for three hours before being released. On June 17th, 1994, Simpson was charged with two counts of murder with special circumstances. He didn’t surrender and was considered a fugitive. A suicide later was found shortly before Simpson was seen riding friend Al Cowlings’ white Ford Bronco. Cowlings was driving and they led police on a 60-mile slow speed chase. They end up at Simpson’s Brentwood mansion, where Simpson finally surrenders to police. 

On June 22nd, 1994, Simpson pleads not guilty. In 1995, his criminal trial begins, ending in a not guilty verdict. Years of other trials occur, eventually landing O.J. in jail in 2008. On October 1st, 2017 O.J. was released from prison. 

June 12th, 2018 marks the 24th anniversary of the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson. Here are five chilling facts about her murder:

1. Her two young children were sleeping inside.

Brown Simpson’s two young children were asleep inside the condo while their mother was stabbed to death on the home’s front steps, possibly by their own father. She was found crumpled up, laying on her side. A neighbor who stood nearby while the sheet used to cover Brown Simpson’s body was removed said she saw “lots of blood” on the bodies and abrasions on the side of Brown Simpson’s face.

2. Brown Simpson was believed to be walking her dog at the time the attack occurred.

Neighbors said that they had seen Brown Simpson walking her dog, Kato, during previous weeks and some heard “nonstop barking” shortly before midnight (when the murders would have occurred) that fatal Sunday evening. Brown Simpson’s neighbor said a passerby found a dog with a leash wandering around that Monday morning and everyone recognized it as Brown Simpson’s dog.

3. There’s a video of O.J. literally confessing to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

During a lost interview with Fox in 2006, Simpson gives a “hypothetical description” of the night Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson were murdered. What’s chilling, though, is that he repeatedly speaks in the first person, providing details only the real killer would know.

In his description of that June 12th night, he claims he blacked out during the murders, and when he came to, he was covered in blood and that he had “never seen so much blood” in his entire life.

4. Simpson and Brown Simpson divorced several years before her death after he pleaded no contest to a spousal battery charge.

Filed in 1989, it said he allegedly hit her, kicked her, and told her, “I’ll kill you.” It turns out, he may have made due on his word.

5. There was blood in O.J. Simpson’s car, on his gloves, clothes, as well as all the way leading up to his front steps.

And despite this evidence, he still was considered “not guilty.” One of the most iconic moments of the case was when he was asked to try on the gloves that were connected to the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. They appeared to be too small, which the defense used as proof that O.J. was not the killer.

Aries

[2:00 am] heyyyyyyyyyy

Taurus

You’re right.

Gemini

I dig all of your personalities.

Cancer

We can cuddle after.

Leo

i’ll ghost you and then watch your instagram story until we both eventually die.

Virgo

You can organize my finances in an excel spreadsheet. Yes, I would love for it to be color-coded.

Libra

everything sucks.

Scorpio

Scorpios don’t sext, they get sexted.

Sagittarius

wanna get drunk on wine coolers and insult each other?

Capricorn

i’ll let you make my 5-year plan.

Aquarius

you can be my therapist. ;)

Pisces

wanna talk about ur feelings?

To be the girl who stopped giving a shit, first you need to care too much.

Fall in love recklessly and call this romantic. Because real love is supposed to hurt, right? Ignore that empty sensation at the pit of your being that says to walk away. To let go. To allow your lungs to breathe fully on their own. Watch them deflate as you run out of breath chasing after someone who was never going to be yours. Hope things will change anyway. Find that they never do.

Define yourself by what others think of you. Allow those who do not have your best interests in mind to dictate your mood, how you view yourself. Continue to seek these people out because they match what you already feel about yourself: that you are unlovable and broken and too much to handle. Ask them to care anyway with your actions, with favors, with kindness. Get hung up to dry instead.

Finally come utterly undone. Get angry. Blame yourself for anything and everything. Ask the room why you have to be the way you are. Wish you could be different, but mostly just wish you could be someone who doesn’t feel this much. This deeply. This intensely.

Hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt until you can’t stand it anymore.

And then say, fuck it.

Throw up your hands and close off your heart. Be constantly on the defense. Become cynical. Bitter. Stop reaching out to anyone, including the people you know deep down do care about you. Call this self-preservation. They’re leaving anyway, right? (At least once they see who you really are.)

Stop taking care of yourself. Because you don’t care. You really don’t. Throw back a tequila shot and then another, flirt with that one guy who treated you like shit at the bar and then proceed to text him till 3 a.m. Act how you believe the “cool girl” would. Insinuate that you only want him at night, not in the morning when you’re carefully stepping over his stuff while you leave his room. Know you’re pretending. Embrace the role anyway.

Do this for a few weeks, then a few months. Look back to who you were before you became the girl who didn’t give a shit. That girl who loved deeply and sincerely. That girl who saw the best in everyone. That girl who cried when she wanted to, the girl who actually put her heart out there and wasn’t afraid of getting hurt because she knew there was value in trying.

Find that being numb isn’t all that great. Start to understand that walls and defenses and caution tape aren’t romantic or endearing; these are just things that will make you really fucking lonely. 

Discover that maybe there is beauty in brokenness. That maybe there is a balance between caring too much and caring too little that might take a lifetime to master.

But mostly know deep down that you’ll always be the girl who cares too much. Who loves too hard. Who feels everything too deeply. Accept that you probably will never achieve that balance between caring too much and too little and understand that maybe this is okay. 

That maybe this is just who you are, and maybe, just maybe, she isn’t so bad after all.

1. There is always someone else out there—someplace, somewhere—who is going through the same exact thing you are, so let this bring you some comfort.

2. People understand way more than you think they do.

3. Never forget that you always have yourself to lean on, too.

4. Sometimes, our most defining moments happen in solitude—please never be afraid to embrace it.

5. The best friend you can ever have is yourself.

6. You are very loved, and you are worthy of that love.

7. There is always someone who is willing to listen if you are only willing to let yourself be heard.

8. Even though you’re feeling lonely right now, this will pass, like all feelings do.

9. As human beings, we’re all connected in our pain, in our struggle, in our need to be loved, and there’s nothing more beautiful than that shared humanity.

10. Someone has already gone through what you’re going through and survived, and this is proof that you will too.

11. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to admit when you need help.

12. You are biologically wired to love and be loved.

13. People really do care about you, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

14. We’re all truly in this together.

15. You are not, and never were, alone.

Catch Five Points, the new series from Kerry Washington’s Simpson Street and Indigenous Media, Mondays at 6pm PST/9pm EST, only on Facebook Watch. You probably already know these students – or at least you think you do.

What’s your favorite tree pun? Leave it in the comments!

1. What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch.

2. How do trees get online?

They just log in.

3. How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?

By the bark!

4. What did the single tree say to the tree who stood her up?

You should have put a ring on it.

5. What type of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

6. What’s a tree’s favorite dating app?

Timber.

7. Why did the tree need to take a nap?

For rest.

8. Why was the weeping willow so sad?

It watched a sappy movie.

9. Why do you never want to invite a tree to your party?

Because they never leaf when you want them to.

10. Why couldn’t the evergreen ever land a date?

It was so busy pining after unavailable trees that it never really branched out.

11. How do you know when a tree doesn’t know the answer to something?

It shrubs.

12. Why was the tree stumped?

It couldn’t get to the root of the problem.

13. How do you know when a tree has had too much to drink?

It won’t stop trunk texting their ax.

14. Why do trees make the worst frenemies?

Because they are the best at throwing shade!

15. What is a pine tree’s favorite radio station?

Anything that plays the poplar hits.

16. How does a coniferous tree get ready for a date?

They spruce themselves up.

17. Where do saplings go to learn?

Elementree school.

18. Why couldn’t the fig tree get back in shape?

It couldn’t stick to a root-ine.

19. What’s the best way to make a tree laugh?

Tell it acorn-y joke.

20. How did the tree get lost?

It took the wrong root.

21. Why did the Chesnut tree feel left out?

It never got in on the oak.

22. What is a tree’s least favorite month?

Sep-timber!

23. What is a tree’s favorite school subject?

Geometry.

24. How did the elm tree know the fig tree wasn’t looking for anything serious?

It asked for no twigs attached.

25. What is a pine tree’s favorite singer?

Spruce Springsteen.

I hope you learn what it means to let go. 

I hope you learn to trust the freefall, to dive off the ledge of certainty and into the waters of the unknown, allowing its waves to rush over you like wildfire, igniting something within your veins that propels you to move forward, with no chance of looking back.

I hope you learn that you don’t need someone else’s permission to let go. I hope you understand that closure is not always guaranteed and sometimes you need to accept the apology you never received. I hope you know that many questions will go unanswered and I hope you allow these things to just be.

I hope you are prepared for the pain that will come back to greet you like an old friend just when you thought you were on your way to healed, and I hope you let it in. I pray that you understand this isn’t a setback but all part of the process of letting go.

I hope you let the memories, both the good and the bad, to embrace you and tear you apart all at once. Don’t suppress anything. Don’t push it all away. Welcome these relics of your past into your space and sit with everything you’re feeling.

I hope you realize you’re allowed to be happy without them, without the life you pictured yourself living. I hope you find beauty in grace and in not getting what you always thought you needed.

I hope you find lessons in the chaos or at least some peace in knowing that you can get through this. I hope you find resilience in your steps, in your heartbeat, the very bones that are keeping you standing. I hope you find that you can reroute your life and find happiness in the unexpected, in the things you never even knew you needed.

Mostly, though, I hope you realize that maybe letting go isn’t supposed to be easy.

(The most important things never are.) 

Aries

Your impulsivity.

Taurus

Your willfulness.

Gemini

Your inconsistency.

Cancer

Your insecurity.

Leo

Your self-centeredness.

Virgo

Your need for everything to be perfect.

Libra

Your tendency to carry a grudge.

Scorpio

Your trust issues.

Sagittarius

Your impatience.

Capricorn

Your inclination to always expect the worst.

Aquarius

Your temper.

Pisces

Your need to escape reality.

Today, Justice Anthony Kennedy, 81, announced his plans to retire from the Supreme Court in a letter to Trump. His retirement will be effective July 31st.

And women and those who actually care about women around the United States all just yelled a collective, “FUCK!!!!!!!”

And for good reason. A conservative justice, Kennedy provided key votes for affirmative action, same-sex marriage, and abortion access. He was the Supreme Court’s “swing vote” and now his impending vacancy means that Trump will be given another opportunity to nominate a justice. His likely pick? A young and conservative jurist, creating a bloc of five staunch conservative justices. This would shift the Supreme Court further to the right, making a conservative majority for generations to come. Trump says his search for a replacement will begin immediately.

Last year, Republicans changed the rules of the Senate in order to push through Justice Neil Gorsuch, Trump’s first nomination to the Supreme Court. Of course, there are many things to worry about with another Trump appointed justice, but one of the biggest issues on everyone’s mind is Roe v. Wade, the landmark decision that protects women’s rights to choose to have an abortion.

And Trump does not want to save Roe v. Wade. He wants to get rid of it.

Trump has expressed his anti-choice views and on the campaign trail even stated that women who have abortions should be punished. (A statement he later doubled back on, saying that only the doctor or practitioner should be punished. This was only after criticism, however.)

A court without Kennedy is more likely to overturn Roe v. Wade. This is a fact and one that should scare the hell out of you if you actually give a shit about women’s lives.

Abortion is a medical procedure, one that should be kept safe and legal. History has shown us that limiting access to abortion, or banning it all together, does not stop abortions from happening.

Limiting access to abortion hurts women. It kills women.

What a woman does with her body is her choice and her reason for opting to terminate a pregnancy, whatever her reason may be, has nothing at all to do with anyone else. Period.

***

Roe v. Wade is in danger. It’s not a matter of if it will be overturned, it’s a matter of when. (Please see informational and amazing thread below.)

So let’s get to work.

Educate yourself. Donate to Planned Parenthood and other nonprofits that support women’s reproductive health. Yell. Scream. Don’t be silent. Call your representatives. Register. VOTE.

Support women. Believe women. Advocate for women.

When Roe gets overturned, the power will go back to the states to determine whether abortion is legal in that particular state. Some will not revert to the 1950’s, but some will. Women who live in states that ban or limit access will have to travel to obtain medical care, which, of course, favors those who are able to travel. And not every woman can for a number of reasons, be that financial or otherwise.

And that’s fucking bullshit. 

I’m so, so, SO tired of old, white men telling me and other women what’s moral. I’m tired of their voices being louder than mine and my fellow women when it comes to our reproductive health, our bodies, and our rights.

And I know I’m not alone in this. 

If I were to get pregnant right this second, I know I would not keep it. I am not ready to be a mom. I am not ready to go through a pregnancy. And this is my choice. No one else’s. 

My grandmother getting Alzheimer’s. The fear that rushes through her veins every day as she struggles to grapple with where she is and what’s she’s supposed to be doing. Gently reminding her that she’s right where she’s supposed to be before having to explain it all again in five minutes. I still see her in there every now and then. Her laugh sounds the same. Her eyes, the same. But there’s a distance now. I wish I could call her; I need her now more than ever. But now there are days when at first she has trouble finding my name.

Falling for someone who could never love me back. I didn’t learn to love myself first from him breaking my heart. I didn’t have some triumphant breakthrough where I realized I was enough on my own. I didn’t learn much of anything at all, other than that most times, the people we love do not love us back. And that just sucks.

Being born with faulty brain wiring that makes living difficult. That makes me wonder if existing is worth it. That makes me feel alone and pushes people away when I need them the most. I don’t think it’s made me stronger or braver. Maybe more compassionate. Maybe a little more gentle with others. But ultimately it’s just made things hurt more. And there are days I wish I could be anyone else.

My grandfather leaving my mother and her family. It didn’t bring them closer together. It didn’t uncover secret strength, it didn’t work out. It just made things a whole hell of a lot harder for everyone involved.

My best friend’s aunt dying of leukemia. A woman so alive and beautiful and kind. A woman who was strong and brave. A woman who, when told by a boyfriend he’d break up with her if she cut her hair, showed up at his house the next day with a pixie cut. It’s a loss I’ll never understand. It’s something I will never believe happened for a reason. I refuse. 

Ah, sweet, sweet summertime. There’s never a better time to put on some bumping throwbacks like the warmer months! Here’s the song you need to be playing on repeat this summer, based on your zodiac sign.

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces: